Want to kill some time, but tired of playing
games? We feel you. We recently decided it would be fun to try and come up with a list of the seven worst free games on the internet. However, we quickly discovered that trying to make a list of the worst anything on the internet is sort of like trying to make a list of the worlds largest numbers. That is to say, there’s an infinite amount of terribleness on the internet.
So, since we decided that coming up with a list of the worst games was too enormous a task for just us to handle, Maximum PC EIC Will Smith used
his Twitter account
to ask for help. Naturally, the MaxPC faithful delivered in spades. We received a whole bunch of seriously awful submissions, tried them out for ourselves, and had an office-wide vote to pick the most truly, hilariously bad games of the bunch. Now, we get to share them with you.
Honestly, we feel a little bad about including this game on the list. Why? Well, for one, it’s got nostalgia on its side; this game’s been around for a long time, and we remember playing it back when playing games in your browser was still a novel concept. Also, the game itself is actually pretty fun. After all, it combines the fast-paced thrill-ride that is “Pong” with adrenaline-fueled 3D graphics… How could it go wrong?
Well, the main problem is that the game’s creator seems to subscribe to the “Battletoads” school of game design, wherein the goal is to slowly erode the player’s will to live via incredibly difficult, unfair gameplay. You see, your opponent, the menacingly-named DATOR (the game switches between English and ALL CAPS SWEDISH seemingly at random), possesses the reflexes of, well, a computer. And even if you do manage to raise your game to the level of a cold, unfeeling machine, 3DPong’s creator has for some reason decided that the DATOR deserves to earn twice as many POÄNG as you every time it scores, so you have to absolutely dominate just to get to the “you win” screen. Good luck with that.
If you liked the crippling difficulty of 3DPong, but didn't care much for that whole "gameplay" element, we think you'll like Every Second. Here's how it works: there is a button, and a target time displayed on the screen. Your mission, should you for some reason choose to accept it, is to hold the button down for the time displayed. If you manage to get within .1 seconds of the target time, you’re rewarded with another nauseatingly boring game of Every Second.
The important thing to consider here is that someone, somewhere, thought to himself “I’m going to invest some non-negligible amount of time making a flash game… What kind of game do people want to play? Hmm, I know! I’ll make a game about holding a button down for a very specific amount of time, over and over again!”
The mind, it boggles.
This game, which doesn’t have a title so we’re calling it “Arrow and Balloon,” involves firing an arrow at a balloon. Beyond that, the game also involves a totally-rad “BANG!” graphic that flashes on the screen for exactly one frame every time you pop a balloon (which we, heroically, managed to get a screenshot of). And that’s about it.
Sounds pretty sweet, right? What could be the problem? Well, the game’s actually just completely horrible in every way. In fact, it looks like it’s probably some kid’s midterm project for 3rd-period computer class, but we didn’t specify that these had to be professional games, and we’re not going to pretend to be above ridiculing a kid who may or may not be developmentally disabled. So take
, maker of Arrow and Balloon, we hope you feel bad about yourself.
Speaking of professional games, here’s a game hosted by the city of Cleveland called “Cleveland Snow Baseball.” Before you click on that link and before you check out the screenshots, let’s play a little game of our own. Look closely at the name of the game and the URL, and ask yourself “What kind of game am I about to play?” Think long and hard about your answer, and when you’re ready, read on.
If you thought “A game about baseball,” you’ve made an understandable guess, but you’re wrong. If you guessed “A game about snowballs” then you’re a little bit whimsical, and we like that about you, but you’re still wrong. If you answered “A tarp simulator” then you’re a dirty, lying cheater and you already clicked the link.