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The Seven Most Agonizingly Terrible Web Games

Alex Castle — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 12:30:26 -0600

Want to kill some time, but tired of playing good games? We feel you. We recently decided it would be fun to try and come up with a list of the seven worst free games on the internet. However, we quickly discovered that trying to make a list of the worst anything on the internet is sort of like trying to make a list of the worlds largest numbers. That is to say, there’s an infinite amount of terribleness on the internet.

So, since we decided that coming up with a list of the worst games was too enormous a task for just us to handle, Maximum PC EIC Will Smith used his Twitter account to ask for help. Naturally, the MaxPC faithful delivered in spades. We received a whole bunch of seriously awful submissions, tried them out for ourselves, and had an office-wide vote to pick the most truly, hilariously bad games of the bunch. Now, we get to share them with you.

3DPong

(Submitted by willsmith)

Honestly, we feel a little bad about including this game on the list. Why? Well, for one, it’s got nostalgia on its side; this game’s been around for a long time, and we remember playing it back when playing games in your browser was still a novel concept. Also, the game itself is actually pretty fun. After all, it combines the fast-paced thrill-ride that is “Pong” with adrenaline-fueled 3D graphics… How could it go wrong?

Well, the main problem is that the game’s creator seems to subscribe to the “Battletoads” school of game design, wherein the goal is to slowly erode the player’s will to live via incredibly difficult, unfair gameplay. You see, your opponent, the menacingly-named DATOR (the game switches between English and ALL CAPS SWEDISH seemingly at random), possesses the reflexes of, well, a computer. And even if you do manage to raise your game to the level of a cold, unfeeling machine, 3DPong’s creator has for some reason decided that the DATOR deserves to earn twice as many POÄNG as you every time it scores, so you have to absolutely dominate just to get to the “you win” screen. Good luck with that.

Every Second

(Submitted by magzine)

If you liked the crippling difficulty of 3DPong, but didn't care much for that whole "gameplay" element, we think you'll like Every Second. Here's how it works: there is a button, and a target time displayed on the screen. Your mission, should you for some reason choose to accept it, is to hold the button down for the time displayed. If you manage to get within .1 seconds of the target time, you’re rewarded with another nauseatingly boring game of Every Second.

The important thing to consider here is that someone, somewhere, thought to himself “I’m going to invest some non-negligible amount of time making a flash game… What kind of game do people want to play? Hmm, I know! I’ll make a game about holding a button down for a very specific amount of time, over and over again!”

The mind, it boggles.

Arrow and Balloon

(Submitted by flapjack23)

This game, which doesn’t have a title so we’re calling it “Arrow and Balloon,” involves firing an arrow at a balloon. Beyond that, the game also involves a totally-rad “BANG!” graphic that flashes on the screen for exactly one frame every time you pop a balloon (which we, heroically, managed to get a screenshot of). And that’s about it.

Sounds pretty sweet, right? What could be the problem? Well, the game’s actually just completely horrible in every way. In fact, it looks like it’s probably some kid’s midterm project for 3rd-period computer class, but we didn’t specify that these had to be professional games, and we’re not going to pretend to be above ridiculing a kid who may or may not be developmentally disabled. So take that, maker of Arrow and Balloon, we hope you feel bad about yourself.

Cleveland Snow Baseball

(Submitted by blmoore)

Speaking of professional games, here’s a game hosted by the city of Cleveland called “Cleveland Snow Baseball.” Before you click on that link and before you check out the screenshots, let’s play a little game of our own. Look closely at the name of the game and the URL, and ask yourself “What kind of game am I about to play?” Think long and hard about your answer, and when you’re ready, read on.

If you thought “A game about baseball,” you’ve made an understandable guess, but you’re wrong. If you guessed “A game about snowballs” then you’re a little bit whimsical, and we like that about you, but you’re still wrong. If you answered “A tarp simulator” then you’re a dirty, lying cheater and you already clicked the link.

QWOP

(Submitted by shack)

QWOP (pronounced, we assume, like a man with a hilarious lisp trying to say “crap”) is on the surface a game about running in a race. After all, you control a guy dressed up like a runner, in front of a background that looks vaguely like some sort of track-meet, and the start screen says something about the Olympics. However, there’s a deeper, more sinister story to QWOP, which we’ll help you uncover.

You see, in QWOP, you actually take on the roll of a disgraced ex-Olympian who shattered both of his legs in a drug-fueled motorcycle crash. Now, in some sort of bizarre run-before-you-can-walk physical rehabilitation program, deranged doctors have dressed your fallen sprinter up in a cruel mockery of his former glory and are forcing him to attempt to run down a track as hundreds of spectators laugh mercilessly. It’s your job to press the Q,W,O, and P keys completely at random, in order to make your runner pump his useless legs spasmodically and perform abortive backflips for the jeering crowd.

Trust us; the game’s much more fun if you play it this way.

May Cause Seizures

(Submitted by nicedropstitch)

One thing we really appreciate about all these godawful games is that they’re very descriptively named (except for QWOP, of course, unless you consider it an onomatopoeia for facepalming). May Cause Seizures is no exception. Seriously, if you’re epileptic you should probably avoid playing this game.

If you don’t have any longstanding neurological disorders, and are not averse to developing one, go ahead and click the link. You’ll be treated to some of the most balls-trippingly colorful gameplay this side of Geometry Wars. Although calling it “gameplay” might be pushing it a little bit, as all you do is look for the words “click me” hidden in the flashing Flash and click them.

Library Filing Game

(Submitted by thisisntjon)

How much do you love alphabetical order? How aroused does the Dewey Decimal system make you? If you answered “lots” and “very aroused” then oh boy, have we got a game for you. The Library Filing Game, which won (lost?) our vote for worst game of all, is one of those rare gems which manages to take something which is genuinely boring to begin with, such as organizing books on a shelf, and somehow elevates it into an experience of such profound monotony as to very nearly deprive life of all meaning.

And if you weren’t satisfied with a game that’s merely “very, very, boring,” the Library Filing Game kicks it up a notch to “incredibly obnoxious” by adding a loud buzzer that plays when you misfile something, as well as a set of one-liners spoken by a guy who sounds like probably the biggest tool on Earth.

So good job, library filing game, you’re truly the worst of the worst.

Feel like we missed something? Want to be involved next time we make a list like this? Subscribe to Will’s Twitter feed and you’ll never miss another opportunity. If you want to sound off about this list, or just want to brag that you actually beat 3DPong, hit the comments.

Maximum PC's Guide to Friday at 4:00 PM

Benson Hong and Reed Porter — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 11:15:00 -0500

It’s the final hour—the last stretch in your race to freedom. Paper footballs litter your desk and paper basketballs surround the trash can. Yet even after these sporting events have ended, the little hand continues to hold a grudge against the 5. It’s high time you find a more efficient—and less obvious—way to pass the time.

Consider this your go-to guide against workplace stagnation. We’ve spent dozens of hours scouring the Internet in search of the most enjoyable and alt-tabbable browser-based games. They require no installation and, best of all, are 100 percent free. When the boss man walks by, you can easily switch to that budget report for accounts payable—he can’t fault you for grinning like a fool at a spreadsheet!

Indestructo Tank AE

[Action] Who says a 5-ton vehicle can't do flips?

If you haven’t experienced the previous versions of Indestructo Tank, then this anniversary edition is a stone-cold must play. Enemy fire drops on you from copters overhead, but rather than run from it, you want to place your rough-and-tumble tank directly in its path! Each explosion will propel your vehicle skyward, allowing you to take out the enemy units while in flight!

The longer you remain airborne, the more experience points you earn. Use the points to purchase more—yes MORE—enemies to help you catch some gnarly air. Move fast, as your limited fuel supply will dwindle and leave you stranded in enemy territory. Down for some team play? Tag team with a buddy and play the co-op mode in which the enemy has developed a missile that can destroy the Indestructo Tank! Have your friend control the Indestructo Copter and destroy these missiles before they destroy you! http://tinyurl.com/5vps9a

Scorching Earth

[Puzzle] Pyros, rejoice! You’re rewarded for lighting fires

Scorching Earth is sort of like tic-tac-toe blended with chess—but different! Your goal is to burn the land on a level until you reach the score limit. Moving from square to square, you gain burn points by burning land, but you must also spend these same points spreading your fire. Weighing your options, you must work around obstacles while preventing your fire from burning out. http://tinyurl.com/5vw3y8

Mr. Bounce

[Circus Arts] Keep your eye on the ball

Imagine the simple pleasure of bouncing a ball—then multiply that by about 100. Because in this digital bouncefest, your fun won’t be hampered by space constraints, surface issues, or lost balls—except for those you fail to anticipate. Bounce your ball hither and yon to the game’s body-thumping techno beat. Slow-motion and trajectory projection help you keep the ball in play, even as you face increasingly difficult bouncing challenges. http://tinyurl.com/6d5x2z

Warlords: Call to Arms

[Strategy and Defense] Pop on your strat hat and pull down your try face, this game’s no walk in the park

This game won’t win any awards for graphics, but its mechanics and gameplay are rock solid. In this fast-paced strategy romp, your goal is to overrun the enemy with your army. The more units you push into their base, the closer you come to capturing the level. A surprising amount of tactical planning is required to know how and when to deploy your men; thankfully, there’s an included strategy guide. The units are also well balanced, so no one character is constantly wreaking havoc.

It’s also worth noting the game’s exceptional sound. It’s fully directional left to right, based on the location of each battle, and surprisingly crisp. Each unit also has a unique spawn sound. Playing through the campaign mode is quite fun and distinct for each race. We put this tactical time-waster at the top of our list. http://tinyurl.com/2v9kyx

Skywire 2

[Skill] Do you have what it takes to be a chairlift operator?

Navigate your passengers to safety as you travel through treacherous terrain in your sporty, red three-seater chairlift. Robotic camels, spinning flamingos, and antsy parrots stand in your way as you furiously attempt to smash your Up and Down arrow keys at just the right moment to avoid these menacing obstacles. A safe passage will result in happy passengers, but run-ins with baddies will eject your human cargo from the lift. Can your fingers handle the challenge? http://tinyurl.com/59zoum

Bowman 2

[Skill] Bowman is back

The original Bowman excited fans with its two-player turn-based archery combat—now it’s back with even more features and fun. With the new Critical Hit setting and Bird Hunting mode, this just might be the perfect game for Dick Cheney. Challenge a buddy to a game of arrow-slinging or play against the computer and watch your opponent fall to your feet in bloody defeat. Calculate your shots carefully, as each turn may be your last! http://tinyurl.com/ygy2qz

Twizzle

[Puzzle] Twists and turns may make me churn, but Twizzle can never hurt me

A good sense of direction is needed to succeed in this mind-boggling brainteaser of a minigame. Navigate your way out of the center of a circle while multiple concentric tracks lead you in conflicting directions. New elements are introduced as you advance through 17 levels, and exploring the outcome of these obstacles is half the fun. What may start out as a seemingly simple task can turn into a hair-ripping, keyboard-smashing, mouse-jamming escapade—in other words, jolly good fun! http://tinyurl.com/6hkugn

Next: Six More Productivity Boosters!

Age of War

[Action] Flash-based RTS? Hell yeah!

In this 2D RTS minigame, you build up your defenses and train units to push into the enemy’s base. For every unit slaughtered you receive money and experience. After enough experience is gained, you can evolve, acquiring tougher and more powerful units. The constant need to balance between defense and offense makes this game fun for more than a few plays. http://tinyurl.com/2cbkcw

Epsilon

[Puzzle] Exploring the wonderful world of wormholes

Do other dimensions exist? Will a wormhole lead us there? This game won’t exactly answer these questions, but it will make pondering the possibilities loads of fun. This flash-based mind exerciser can be seen as a parallel to the popular Valve game Portal. A portal-physics game, Epsilon thrusts you into the space-time continuum with the ability to stop and reverse time as well as manipulate gravity. Successfully arranging the wormholes will yield you tokens and entry into new and increasingly challenging levels. Think quickly, though, as one missed portal could leave your shiny orb stranded in a timeless abyss. Complex time fields, gravity tricks, and advanced mechanics will keep you on your toes. Play through the five different stages to reach the end and you just might discover something new. http://tinyurl.com/5rlo6y

The Last Stand 2

[Zombie Shooter] Pump lead into a zombie onslaught...for survival of course

In this graphically detailed shooter, you scrounge for supplies during the day and mow down zombies at night. To search for supplies, survivors, and weaponry, you click various buildings from a sort of architectural blueprint of the town. Once the sun goes down, it’s time to set up shop and slaughter the incoming hordes of infected creatures the good old-fashioned way—with guns and chain saws. http://tinyurl.com/5n75sc

Dino Run

[Survival] Escape extinction as you run from the end of the world!

You play as a puny dinosaur who’s on the run from the end of the world. Dashing through each level, you have to gather eggs and bones that can later be used to upgrade your attributes. We love how Dino Run’s pixelated graphics give this online game a unique look and feel. Don’t be fooled though, while the old-school graphics make the game seem simple, it’s harder than it looks and can get pretty competitive in multiplayer mode.

In multiplayer, you level up as you race. In doing so, you not only improve your character’s abilities but also get to adorn Dino with new colors and hats. The game’s extremely high replay value and quirky style are rivaled only by the amusement felt while leaping through the game’s landscape. This is a flash game that can be picked up and enjoyed by even a novice online game player. www.pixeljam.com/dinorun

Typeracer

[Racing] Multiplayer Mavis Bacon

It’s an unlikely premise, but in Typeracer, you race by, er, typing. Putting your fingers to the test, you’ll compete against others in a word-per-minute sprint. You’re given a notable passage from a film, book, or song. When the light turns green, your fingers better be flying, because the first person to finish without any errors wins. http://play.typeracer.com