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20 Must-Have Geek Ringtones and Text Message Alerts (And 10 to Avoid!)

Norman Chan — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 22:00:21 -0600

Forget the lessons of Tyler Durden. The things you own define who you are. And nothing makes a bigger statement than your cell phone ringtone. Your ringtone gives valuable insight for everyone within earshot about your preferences and personality -- information with which they'll use to judge you (and yes, you're always being judged). You don't want to be the guy sitting in a quiet lecture hall when your phone suddenly starts blasting the latest Fallout Boy single. That tells neighbors that you have poor taste and probably cry yourself to sleep at night. No, you want to be the guy who has Europe's The Final Countdown chime in at opportune moments, letting that cute hipster girl nearby know that yes, you too are a fan of Arrested Development.

For geeks and techies who want to attract like-minded compatriots, we've compiled a list of the top 10 must-have ringtones to own. Any respectable tech/gadget/sci-fi aficionado should have these tones stored on their phones at all times, alternating the chimes in a daily rotation to prevent them from getting stale. We've also included a definitive list of the 10 coolest text-message alert sounds, as well as the most clichéd and obnoxious ringtones and alerts that must be avoided at all cost.

10. Dial-Up Modem Sequence

Retro is in, and there's nothing more old school than the familiar sequence of a dial-up modem. All technies born before 1990 have it memorized by heart, and can duplicate the entire string of beeps and buzzes with their vocal chords. "What's that sound? Oh, it's just the internet calling me."

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?2zebltdcelz

9. Futurama Theme

Cancelled before it had an opportunity to jump the shark, Futurama is three parts space drama and five parts pure genius. The catchy theme was inspired by a 1967 song called Psyche Rock, and contrary to popular belief, was not written by Danny Elfman. But you knew that, of course.

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?z0hsjxjrvj4

8. Hiphopopotomas (Flight of the Conchords)

Flight of the Conchords are the epitome of geek cool, and nothing says "I like both offbeat humor and mad beats" like the second verse of Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenocerous.

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?bmvjzg9wtln

7. Windows 95 Startup Tone

All PC users should recognize this classic arpeggio, which greeted you at the Windows 95 splash screen. This six-second chime ushered in the modern PC computing era, and was appropriately composed by ambient music master Brian Eno.

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?mymydyuydym

6. R2D2

Before Wall-E strolled into the hearts of moviegoers, R2D2 was the little robot charged with charming a generation of science fiction buffs. As your ringtone, R2D2 becomes your personal co-pilot and starship mechanic. Just don’t tell his life partner, C-3PO.

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?tzejxwmtxkx

5. TIE Fighter Theme

Who needs shields or life support? TIE fighters are agile and speedy starfighters, powered by large solar panels and armed with rebel-toasting lasers. Use their theme as a ringtone to let Jedi-fanboys know that your loyalty lies with the empire.

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?2mcgtljvzwe

4. Kill Bill Theme

Sure, Tarantino’s two-part revenge epic would’ve worked better as one long movie (we’re partial to part one), but Kill Bill is packed with enough memorable scenes to fuel its own subset of popular culture. One of our favorites? The tense showdown between Uma Thurman’s Bride and Lucy Liu’s O-Ren Ishii, set this awesome music clip.

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?b1jfi9xbxzw

3. Ralph WIggum

"I bent my wookie." "My cat's breath smells like cat food." "Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!" Classic.

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?jjbny1elyts

2.Code Monkey (Jonathan Coulton)

This nerd anthem by impresario Jonathan Coulton quickly captured the souls of legions of hard-working, warm-hearted code monkeys everywhere. Coulton, the quintessential geek singer-songwriter, releases his music under the Creative Commons license, and has inspired fan videos, dances, remixes, and even machinima. Show ‘em you’ve got excellent taste and hidden depths!

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?sffuyphrltm

1. CTU Phone Ring

The distinctive chime that rings on all CTU (Counter Terrorist Unit) telephones is serious business – calls made to CTU are a matter of life and death. Nothing gets between us and Jack Bauer power hour (except maybe ridiculous plot twists).

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?90dcjinb2mu

Read on for the top 10 text message alerts for geeks!

10. Post Beep

System builders are all-too familiar with this sound. It’s a stress-relieving chime that lets you know your computer has successfully booted. We’re simple folk, and that’s all the reassurance we need in our lives.

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?t1x4a7yffye

9. Price is Right (Fail Horn)

Always funny when it happens to someone else (we've long given up on our attempts to make it on the show), the fail horn alerts contestants that they've failed a price-guessing game on The Price is Right. No jet ski’s or washing machine for you, mr. college student/generic retiree/suited-up serviceman!

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?qijjhf6nhc2

8. Murloc Gurgle

Love it or hate it, few sounds are more recognizeable to the 12 million players of World of Warcraft than the eerie gurgle of the Murloc. Short, fishy, full of teeth, and with the propensity to swarm unlucky adventurers, Murlocs inhabit the coasts of Azeroth's rivers, ponds, and oceans. Their trademark burbling yell spells doom to nooblings and easy fodder for experienced adventurers, and are sure to get a reaction. It's the ultimate geeky ringtone - obscure enough to confuse the average human, yet familiar enough to be an automatic 'in' with many gamers.

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?s9gxrlm2nfh

7. Wookie Growl

Every time Chewbacca growls in The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, he's actually saying "Hey guys, why didn't I get a medal for blowing up the Death Star?"

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?gyy2zwyzyhh

6. Zelda Chest Opening Chime

Like the classic Skinner machine, 8-bit videogame classics rewarded you every time your on-screen avatar succeeded. Unlike the Skinner machine, Zelda rewarded you with a money shot of the loot (held aloft by a triumphant Link) and this timeless, uber-hooky 3 second mini-masterpiece. Put this on your phone and you'll get that "I won!" rush, every single time you get a text.

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?8sm54s7rsde

5. KITT

Forget the Hoff and that snooty English dude. Remember the sweet, supercomputer-powered Trans-Am, with it's signature "whoom... whoom" scanning noise. True, that 1984 Trans-Am isn't as lustworthy today, and we don't have a sentient supercomputer buddy in my trunk, but everyone around me knows that we know what the Knight Rider score is, every time we get a text message.

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?bdnsnwzmafj

4. Lightsaber Swoosh

Force, Schwartz, midichlorians, mojo, or whatever you want to call it -- setting your text message alert to a light saber swoosh lets the world know that you're packing.

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?1ni2wmxxvdl

3. Battlestar Galactica Cylon

The hypnotic humming of a Cylon's red eye is both soothing and ominous -- these robots are out to kill you, you know. And even if modern cylons look like supermodels, we're still fans of the old centurion model that didn’t waste time with sleeper agents or psychological warfare. They just wanted to pulverize some meat bags.

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?mgn3mh3xtln

2. Metal Gear Solid Codec Alert

"Snake...snakeeee!" Metal Gear Solid's codec lets you pretend that Otacon is paging you to give you some crucial recon data on the building you're infiltrating. Just make sure you're locked into the 141.12 frequency. Use this text message alert in Akihabara and otaku will nod their heads with approval.

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?8jftnbnsbvd

1. Star Trek Communicator

You may think your cellphone is more technologically advanced than a classic Star Trek communicator, but can your iPhone broadcast on subspace channels or break through atmospheric interference to contact orbiting starships? We didn't think so. Pay homage to the grandaddy of all cellphones and get this chime installed right away!

Download the ringtone here: http://www.mediafire.com/?deiviwymtcb

Continue to find out what ringtones must be avoided at all costs!

Ringtones You Absolutely Must Avoid!

Ringtones

5. The Halo Theme

Overplayed and overrated. Let the fratboys and jocks claim Master Chief's worn-out anthem.

4. “Is anyone there?” from Portal

We adored the innocently-voiced sentry drones in last year's surprise hit, but Portal in-jokes got old the 100th time we heard someone call the cake a lie.

3. That noise Will made when he fell off the Showdown bull

Will still has nightmares. He was never quite the same after the incident.

2. Star Trek Theme

Grade-A lady repellent. However, it's the perfect bait to lure unsuspecting Star Wars fans into Enterprise vs. Star Destroyer debates. Everyone loses.

1. Tay Zonday

What does Chocolate Rain even mean!?

Text Message Alerts

5. Wilhelm Scream

Think about it. It's someone screaming to their death every time you get a text message. We'd rather jump off a cliff.

4. Lumbergh's “Yeaaaaah” from Office Space

Please, don't be "that guy".

3. Timmmmay!

Honestly, we're bigger fans of Jimmy. His jokes are hilarious!

2. Leroy Jenkins

Only acceptable if you're planning a large raid on Blackrock Spire.

1. Apple startup chime

Can't you read? We're Maximum PC.

Originally posted: 2008-07-11 09:04:23

10 Reasons You Don't Need Vista Today

Will Smith — Fri, 16 Mar 2007 01:59:14 -0500

You’re sick of Windows XP. We are too, but Vista isn’t a panacea for your PC problems. We have some compelling arguments for waiting a few months before you upgrade.

Brace yourself. The largest Microsoft marketing campaign ever is gearing up to try to convince you the time is right to switch to Vista. But for most people, there’s no reason to rush out on January 30 to buy the fledgling operating system. Even though Vista is ready for people with relatively simple machine configurations, the more components your rig has, the more likely you are to encounter trouble.

Vista isn’t perfect right now, but it will improve with time. Hardware and software vendors will introduce better drivers and compatibility patches. New applications will be written with Vista in mind. After several months, you’ll be able to get new versions of crucial software, such as antivirus apps, as well as updates to your current products. In fact, you’d probably be better served by doubling up your upgrade and moving to new hardware and the new OS at the same time.

1. Vista Requires a Fairly Powerful Machine

This probably won’t be a problem for most Maximum PC readers, but many folks who don’t play games will find their machines challenged by Vista’s system requirements. That Dell laptop Aunt Edna bought for $500 last year is going to struggle with this OS. While a simple RAM upgrade will probably get the machine running, it almost certainly won’t be sufficient to enable Vista’s bells and whistles. For once, Microsoft’s published minimum requirements for a new OS are reasonably accurate. The recommended system has a 1GHz or faster CPU with 1GB of RAM and a 128MB Pixel Shader 2.0–compliant graphics card, which is a fairly realistic minimum spec to get a decent experience with Vista. At Maximum PC, we aren’t going to bother installing Vista on anything slower than 2GHz; we’d rather have a fast XP install than a slow Vista machine. In short, if your machine isn’t up to snuff, take the next couple months to get it there before installing the new OS.

2. Application Incompatibilities

Even as we speak, there are literally dozens of applications that don’t work properly with Vista. And we’re not talking about garage-developed apps but high-profile programs such as iTunes, disc-burning apps, and pretty much anything that has to do with DVD ripping or viewing. And virtually any Java-based app that bundles the Java runtime automatically kicks the desktop back to Vista’s Basic mode, obviating the performance benefits you get from running Aero.

3. Vista is Crazy Expensive

Vista is the most expensive consumer operating system we’ve ever seen. Let’s take a look at the pricing. Home Basic, which doesn’t include the fancy Aero Glass interface, costs a whopping $200 for a full version. Home Premium costs $40 more, and Ultimate costs an astounding $400. Why spend that much today on a less-polished product when you can wait a few months and have a much better experience for the same money? The good news is that Ultimate has a bunch of features that the majority of power users won’t need; the Premium version should include everything most people will require for home use—at least if you don’t run Group Policies on your home domain. Naturally, in Home Basic and Home Premium there are plenty of ads for Windows Anytime Upgrade, which will let you upgrade your “inferior” version of Windows to the obscenely overpriced (and unnecessary) Ultimate version.

4. No Hardware Audio

During development, Microsoft removed a couple of crucial gaming-audio related features from Vista, including DirectSound 3D (hundreds of games use DS3D to deliver positional 5.1 audio) and support for hardware accelerated 3D sound. This isn’t a problem for new games going forward, as most developers have embraced the alternative OpenAL technology, which will continue to work in Vista. It is, however, a problem for legacy DS3D games, such as Call of Duty 2 and Max Payne. When you run a DirectSound 3D game on Vista, it won’t give you the option to enable 3D sound or features that require hardware acceleration, such as EAX. Unfortunately, there’s no easy solution. Creative will release its Alchemy application, a workaround to a problem that shouldn’t exist in the first place. Alchemy is basically a wrapper program—it intercepts DirectSound 3D functions and converts them to OpenAL functions using a custom DLL. Alchemy works OK, but we’d much rather have a less-kludgy solution from Microsoft. Hopefully, they’ll hear our cries and include hardware support with Vista’s first service pack.

5. Vista Doesn't Work With a Lot of Bleeding-Edge Hardware

The BIOS on the laptop you bought in March doesn’t work with Vista. Nor does your high-end USB microphone. And you can kiss that joystick-port-based Thrustmaster flight stick goodbye, too. With any new operating system, it’s safe to assume there are going to be some compatibility problems. However, we experienced more issues with our hardware just plain not working during the Vista run-up than we did with any Microsoft OS since Windows 2000. The lesson here? Make sure your hardware is actually compatible with Vista before you purchase it. You can check by using the Vista Upgrade Advisor.

6. Vista Doesn't Work Well With Some Games

We’ve already talked about the excision of 3D sound from the operating system, but there’s a larger problem. It turns out that many online games that use PunkBuster to limit cheating require Administrator access in order to work properly. The problem is that neither the game, PunkBuster, nor Vista actually tells you that. You just get kicked from the server every time you try to join a game. The solution is relatively simple: All you have to do is set the offending game to always run as an Administrator in its Properties window, but the entire process needs to be more user-friendly. Please get to work on this, Microsoft.

7.Vista Includes Consumer-Unfriendly DRM

On the DRM front, we’re pretty much convinced that Microsoft hasn’t actually integrated anything more insidious than Windows Media Player 11 into Vista, at least not for current standard-definition content. (Blu-ray and HD-DVD content are protected in a similar manner as on XP and will require a full HDCP path for high-def playback.) But the fundamental underpinnings to completely lock down the video-rendering pipeline to prevent ripping of next-gen content are present in the OS. That’s not the least of it. Because of content-protection concerns, Vista won’t support CableCard for the vast majority of users. CableCard, in theory, allows users to access high-def content from their cable or satellite providers, without being tied to the device supplied by the TV provider. The thought was that CableCard would let you view HDTV on your PC without resorting to an over-the air signal. Unfortunately, for CableCard’s protected video path to work, your machine must be certified, and only large OEM manufacturers like Dell and HP will be eligible for certification.Pretty awesome, right? The fundamental problem is that for certain key low-level operations, such as video rendering, Vista has been designed to give third parties—the content providers—veto rights over crucial aspects of your system. Do you trust a company like Sony, which infected millions of PCs with a malicious rootkit, with low-level access to your rig?

8. Poor Driver Support

The big vendors like ATI and Nvidia should have drivers ready for Vista’s launch (although there weren’t any GeForce 8800 drivers at the corporate launch on November 30), but expect really big problems to arise with all that other hardware attached to your system. It’s going to be tough to find drivers for older hardware, and we’ve even encountered problems getting drivers for brand-new gear. Sure, your mouse and keyboard will work, but will you have access to the cool sensitivity-changing and macro software that works with it? Even if your hardware is supported, are the drivers fully baked? If the Vista launch follows the timeline of past Windows launches, drivers will be scarce for the first few months while vendors slowly certify their products to run on the new OS.

9. Vista is Kind of Annoying

User Account Control is part of Microsoft’s fix to prevent malware applications from taking advantage of Administrator privileges on infected PCs to install more malware. Every time an installer runs on your Vista PC, a prompt will ask for your permission to install the software in question. That’s a great idea, but we think the implementation is pretty poor. The problem is the frequency of prompts. They come up so often that people will quickly learn to auto-click them, thus risking malware infections. Even worse, instead of forcing you to take any action that would require thought, the prompts don’t even ask you to reenter your password (by default); all you have to do is click a button and the app will install itself. UAC is the PC equivalent of taking your shoes off in the airport security line. It makes you feel as though something’s being done to protect you, but ultimately it doesn’t do much to improve security. This isn’t likely to change, but it should.

10. You Can Wait

You should be asking yourself if you need Vista today. The only people who should answer yes are the folks who already have a DirectX 10 videocard and are anxiously awaiting their Crysis preorders. For everyone else, it certainly won’t hurt to wait for the bugs to be worked out, the drivers to be released, and your machine to be in optimum condition to handle the new OS. Indeed, it can only help.