Are you planning to do some travelling or Holiday gift shopping this weekend? There's only one way you can do both at the same time, and that's with SkyMall. It's the catalog for products that didn't quite make it into Sharper Image or BrookStone, and are too expensive to sell on infomercials. We picked up the latest issue on a recent flight, and were astounded to find terrible products on every other page. Here, we've picked out the fifty worst items, including horrendously ill-conceived vehicle accessories, impractical grooming devices, and the most terribly advertised gadgets for sale.
But let's start with the gem of a cover, which apparently breaks the rules of the space-time continuum.
Let's overlook the fact that this Soutwest plane cabin includes holiday decorations, Slanket-wearing passengers, and SANTA CLAUS. Look at the lady wearing the red Slanket in the front. She's reading a copy of SkyMall. But look closely, and you'll see that the issue she's reading is the very issue she's on the cover of! Here's a zoomed-in look at the cover-within-a-cover:
Do you have little trouble keeping track of the hour and even the date, but the day always eludes you? If so, then you're a moron.
Passenger Seat Office
What do you mean “Not for use while driving?” I’m writing this article from a Passenger Seat Office right now! OH SHI—
Personal Infrared Sauna
If you're too cheap to get a membership to the local pool, but have $500 to spend on a personal oven. Plus, it doubles as a Captain Pike Star Trek costume.
SkyRest Airplane Pillow
Sleep the restful sleep of a man who has given up on his dignity.
Box of Applause/Box of Laughter
And finally, when you're done opening the Box of Applause and the Box of Laughter, open the Box of Shame, and reflect on where your life went so, so wrong.
Heat by Design Picture Frame
For the house that's too small for both a heater and a picture frame.
Paper may beat rock, but not FIRE ROCK.
Squirrel Boss Birdfeeder
I'm not sure I understand how a "love of squirrels" translates into inventing a device that allows you to electrocute squirrels on your lawn via remote control, but that doesn't mean I don't actually sort of want one of these.
What better way could there be to fend off a ferocious dog than to piss it off with a loud noise?
Voice Recognition Grocery List Organizer
Because you need a $100 machine to remind you to buy hemorrhoid cream.
Solafeet Foot Tanner
Trade your ugly sock tan lines for hideous oompla-loompa feet.
Cell Phone Watch
Graduate from your calculator watch to this equally-nerdy cell phone watch.
no! no! Hair Remover
More products should be named after the words you shout when somebody tries to use them on you.
Defying Gravity shoes
Moon Shoes for adults!
Self Cleaning Litterbox
Send your cat into the past with the TimeSphere Self Cleaning Litterbox.
Message in Time Clock
This clock lets you record a single message for it to repeat at the top of every hour. The message we would record: "THE HOUR HAS BEGUN."
"I like fake butts, and I cannot lie."
Video Recording Sunglasses
For when you want to look as conspicuous as possible while recording postage-stamp sized video.
Head Spa Massager
The thinking man's head massager.
What would you possibly need such strong lungs for...?
Kinesis K3 Portable Wind and Solar Charger
...to charge up your wind-powered battery pack, of course!
Nano UV Wand
An elegant bug killer, for a more civilized age.
Now vampire-loving fanatics can live out their fantasies of showering in blood.
Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar
Want all the fun and excitement of being hooked up to an oxygen tank, but aren't quite decrepit enough to have one prescribed? Well have I got the gadget for you!
Relax 'N Nap Pillow
All the fun of laying face-down in a gutter, in bed!
Deep Penetrating Light Therapy System
Also makes delicious face waffles!
Vehicle Safeguard Video Recording Camera
Think of it as a vanity camera for car burglars. To steal.
Hidden Litter Box
You Don't Have To Hide This Litter Box! You do, however, have to train your cat to crap in a tiny dark cave. Also, good luck cleaning it.
Temple and Eye Massager
You must have a lot of faith in technology to let a machine rub your eyes for you.
Quad-Head Electric Toothbrush
Massively parallel brushing power!
ShirtPocket Underwater Camcorder
Finally an underwater camera that fits in the pocket of my swimming shirt.
Underwater Cellular Phone System
Almost $2000, and the cell phone is actually not included!
Indoor Barking Dog Deterrent
Can't afford the dog whisperer? Just torture your dog into submission.
Portable Neck Traction
We wouldn't trust something that wraps around our necks...and then gets bigger.
Migraine Magic Plus
Happy birthday, Kimmy, we got you some new ski goggles. Haha, just kidding, it’s a semi-automated eye-jabbing machine.
Laser Guided Pool Cue
If your problem in pool is that you just can’t manage to aim the cue at the cueball without tactical hardware assistance, you should probably just give up now.
FlyeBaby Hammock Sling
Turbulance will kill this baby.
Animated Musical Diorama
For $150, you could buy a real tv and a holiday-themed video tape.
Portable Microwave Oven
For when you desperately need a Hot Pocket on the road.
NeckPro Cervical Traction Device
For when you want to hang yourself and leave the nerdiest-looking corpse behind.
Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier
Because nothing is stealthier than wearing a Bluetooth headset around all the time. We know you’re not that popular, grandpa.
Telekinetic Obstacle Course
Now you too can be one of the Men Who Stare at Balls.