Mac Users Are Whiny Losers. Love, Maximum PC

We don't like taking on the role of enforcer, nor do we like bullying those ill equipped to defend themselves. But sometimes, for the greater good of all involved, as PC users we feel obligated to step in and lay the smack down when our Mac brethren come asking for it. In a way, we feel like Billy Madison did when he told a bunch of first graders "Now you're all in big, big trouble" before proceeding to pummel them in dodgeball.

Well, Mac users have come asking for it, courtesy of our friends over at MacLife (Maximum PC's sister magazine) who this week posted 25 Reasons Why Non-Mac Users Should Shut Their Damn Pie-Holes. To borrow from Billy Madison, now you're in big, big trouble. Here are our retorts:

1. Justin Long is a dick - There are only two people who are fans of Justin Long, his agent and his mother. And to be perfectly honest, we're not even sure about the latter.

2. Shinier = better - Just because your computer is shiny and aluminum doesn't mean it's better. We'll take a Lenovo X300 over a MacBook Air any day.

3. We don't want to be Steve Jobs' bitch - You guys constantly get reamed by the House of Jobs, whether it's the incessant train of forced hardware upgrades, lightning fast price cuts, or the industry standard features that Apple supports with proprietary implementations, Mac users get hit where it hurts most--the wallet.

4. OS X is awesome - It's not nice to pick on disadvantaged folks (it's the reason why we seldom pick on Mac users). We all know that OS X is awesome, but we defend Vista even though it sucks because it's what we're stuck with. Just because you've got something that's better, doesn't mean you need to get all Justin Long about it.

5. Team Fortress 2 kicks ass - We believe you when you say you have more important things to do than play games. Like sitting in Starbucks dressed in stonewashed jeans wishing you could play games. But hey, Oregon Trail still rocks, right?

6. Elmo had a line, too - We can't dispute that hundreds waited in line for the Mac OS X Leopard release, just as many also clamored for the Tickle Me Elmo doll when it first came out. But we're still not trading in our cooler toys to get one.

7.  We have Newegg - Intel P45 motherboard: $99. Core 2 Duo E8400: $170. 2GB DDR3-1333 RAM: $80. Not having to throw away your PC and buy a brand new one when it comes time to upgrade: Priceless.

8. Secure in our insecurity - You love to tout the lack of viruses targeted towards Macs as an indication that Macs are more secure, but could it be that even hackers don't give a f*** about Mac users? In a way, it'd be like invading Iceland. It's not that it can't be done, but what's the point?

9. Mighty Mouse -  Like all things Mac, the Mighty Mouse is cute. And also mighty lame compared to the Logitech G5 PC users have been computing with for the past 24 months. But then again, what would a Mac user do with all those buttons?

10. Who compiles 25 reasons of why Macs don't suck? - Mac users do. And while we'd love to spend time coming up with 25 retorts, we have better things to do. Like play games, run executables, overclock, watch NBC Olympics On The Go, and not overpay for under powered hardware.

Will Smith contributed to this story. Image Credit: Flickr super-structure