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PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 4:42 am 
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Location: CLEVELAND, I SUPPOSE.... WELL SUPPOSE I AIN'T UP FOR SUPPOSIN ,THEN I GUESS ILL START FIGURIN!
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


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 Post subject: Little Johnny Strikes Again
PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 7:32 am 
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LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 11:00 am 
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LIE CLOCK

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The
hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in
his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 26, 2006 7:12 pm 
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Situations where it might be OK to use the F-Word






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Complements of some other retired geezers in Florida


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 7:40 pm 
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Can You Relate?
OK I admit it's not really a joke.
But I bet phred, GM and willis enjoy the read (and probably a lot more of you).
What a different world I grew up in compared to what I see today.


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LOST IN THE FIFTIES

A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,

A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone,

And no need for recording things, someone was always home.



We only had a living room where we would congregate,

Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,

When meeting as a family just one room would work out fine



We only had one TV set, and channels, maybe two,

But always there was one of them with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,

And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.



Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook,

And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book.

Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,

We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.



Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,

But we knew where the others were, without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,

And nothing can compare to watching movies from your car.



Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season,

Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know,

Have real action playing ball -- and no game video.



Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,

And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?

The way that he took care of you or what he had to do,

Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you.



Remember going to the store when the skies were oh so sunny,

And when you paid for what you got you used your very own money?

Nothing you had to swipe or punch, or put in some amount,

and you had a friendly cashier that actually could count?



The milkman went from door to door,

For just a few cents more than a trip to the store.

The mail was delivered right to your door,

Without the junk mail that we all deplore.



There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take,

And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile;

They were streamlined, white walls, fins, and really had some style.



One time the music that you played whenever you would jive,

Was from a vinyl, big-holed disc they called a forty-five.

The record player had a post to keep them all in line,

And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.



Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,

As always we were striving, to find a better way.

But how the simple lives we led, still seems like so much fun,

when the only way to explain a game, was just kick the can and run?



And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes,

And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways,

I love the new technology but I really miss those days.



So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same,

But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 6:52 am 
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A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please".

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.......


The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try a different tactic. He returned and took a seat. Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have.

"A martini, please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend.


The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh.....'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2006 9:02 am 
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This one's for the musicians in the crowd. Assuming there are some.

A local band is on stage playing the best show of their lives. The crowd is going crazy, every song sounds like a top 10 smash, and at the back of the theater, there's a guy in a suit with a cigar in one hand and a record contract in the other. They've made it!

The guitarist thinks to himself, "Man, this is fantastic. We're going to be huge stars and I finally get to show all those jerks at the music store that I'm better than them! They always made fun of my big hair and leather pants, but man, who's laughing now? Who's ripping an awesome solo right now in front of thousands of screaming fans? This is awesome! I ROCK!"

The singer thinks to himself, "Look at all these girls who wanna sleep with me! Oh man, we're going to tour, we're going to do videos, we're gonna have awesome parties, we're going to get so wasted! I'm gonna be on the cover of magazines, we're going to play the Super Bowl half-time show, and everybody's gonna know my name! I ROCK!"

The drummer thinks, "All those years of trying to keep these jokers together finally paid off. We can upgrade our gear, we can get roadies, we're going to be able to get a decent rehearsal space...hell, I can finally pay off these drums! It was all worthwhile. We stuck it out and we made it. WE ROCK!"

The bassist thinks, "D, G, A, A, A, A, A, D, G, E..."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 01, 2006 2:32 pm 
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DATING IN 1957




It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.


Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.


That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.


Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.


Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."


Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"


"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"


Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.


A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.


Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.


About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 5:45 am 
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why is diarria an inheritable trait











it runs in your jeans


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 10:18 am 
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Here are a few really good ones my friend Angela sent me :lol:

Angela wrote:
Homer walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and asked, "Do you think he will jump?"
Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump"
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan
dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump. "
Replied the blonde, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."


Angela wrote:
ok, so a blonde goes into a store where they sell curtains and stuff. So she says she needs to buy some curtains and she picks the color and pattern and stuff and then they r like, well, what size do u need it to be? and she says 4 inches. they r like, what? 4 inches? what in the world do u use a 4 inch curtain for? and she says it's for her computer and they ask, u put curtains on ur computer? and she says "duh! I have windows!" =P LOL


Angela wrote:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


Angela wrote:
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


Angela wrote:
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


Angela wrote:
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."


Angela wrote:
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 10:56 am 
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Jingle Bells in reverse...




http://pub.sinuspl.net/flash/Jingle_Bells_Reversed.swf


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 Post subject: Posting and you
PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 11:53 am 
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http://gprime.net/flash.php/postingandyou


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 Post subject: Re: compute your age
PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 7:07 pm 
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thomasvjones wrote:
this is amazing!

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ....
If you haven't, add 1755.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS


It dosen't wok for me.


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 Post subject: Re: compute your age
PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 7:10 pm 
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PC_destroyer wrote:
thomasvjones wrote:
this is amazing!

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ....
If you haven't, add 1755.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS


It dosen't wok for me.
It worked for me. :)


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 5:48 am 
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it worked for me :D


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 6:10 am 
Folding for Elena
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reminder - you aren't supposed to respond in the joke thread.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 8:41 am 
Folding for Elena
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Image

First he joined the Monkeys folding team.

We thought - How interesting, our boy is trying to help cure diseases.

Now this lovely tattoo - We are so proud of him.

We even agreed to separate vacations for the first time this year.
He's an avid swimmer you know and very good at that also.

We got him some lovely shirts for his birthday and suggested he show them off at the annual family picnic and reunion (unless he has something more important to do this year).


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 10:33 am 
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My Daddy the Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.


Don't forget to vote :lol:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 10:37 am 
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A father daughter talk:

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and many times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair!" I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played, while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently,

"Welcome to the Republican Party."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 10:41 am 
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Old one but still worth telling...


[color=blue]Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his fatther sat him down for a little fireside chat.....

He says, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother and said, "Here - try these on."

She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."

I replied, "exactly I wear the pants in this family and I always will.â€


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