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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Sep 26, 2006 10:23 am 
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Location: If you don't know...how should I
Naive Grandma

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I
bought the sticker and put it on my bumper right then and there.

A couple of blocks away from the bookstore I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there,
the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his
window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for the Lord

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have
been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something
about a sunny beach.

I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck
up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious
experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their c ars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when
I noticed the light had changed.

So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove
on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the
window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Sep 26, 2006 12:31 pm 
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That was so funny, I spit soda all over my new G15 :shock:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Sep 26, 2006 4:49 pm 
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Location: back on the right side of the middle of the left side YES i'm folding
be careful with that, im on my third g15 now.


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 Post subject: NukeUlater
PostPosted: Wed Sep 27, 2006 1:00 am 
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Hey NukeULater,

Concerning: "Defraggin' my HD for thrills."

That was so funny, I spit soda all over my new G15

I couldn't stop laughing until my sides hurt.

Do you know how many times I have defragged my HD in 20 years?

[In my book, that joke could have been mainstream]

[Some people's button is easily pushed]


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Sep 27, 2006 5:13 am 
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Location: If you don't know...how should I
There was this couple that were completely and utterly in love with each other. They were also completely celibate. Neither one believed in sex before marriage.

On their wedding night, the bride looks and her husband and tells him:
"Honey, I have to be completely honest with you. I am flat chested. I've been wearing stuffed bras for quite some time now."

"That's ok darling. I will always love you no matter what"

She takes off her top and the husband replys:
"Well, you really are flat chested"

"Yes dear, I told you I was"

"That's no problem, you are my wife and I will love you no matter what"

The husband ponders this for a few seconds. He turns to his wife:
"Darling, I have to be honest with you too. I am built like a baby down there."

"I love you, and no matter what, that will never change"

The husband takes off his pants, pulls down his underwear. The wife looks at him and passes out cold. The husband gets some water and sprinkles on her face to wake her up. She comes to and asks:
"I...I...thought you said you were built like a baby?"

"I am, 9 pounds 11 ounces and 22" long"




--
Enjoy your day


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Sep 27, 2006 11:11 am 
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 pm for about 20 minutes.


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 Post subject: Helicopter ride
PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 3:44 am 
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars-- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 4:41 am 
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Have Ya Ever Wondered?
=======================

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a song about him?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's
butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it
doesn't work anymore?

If Wile Coyote had enough money for all the Acme products,
why didn't he just buy dinner?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the
shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

Do one-legged ducks swim in circles?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have a 's' in it?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

And who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my.
Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"


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 Post subject: What Hallmark doesn't print:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 4:45 am 
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What Hallmark doesn't print:

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

4. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder?
What the heck was I thinking?

5. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

6. How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?

7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

10. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

11. Someday I hope to get married ... but not to you.

12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

14. We have been friends for a very long time ... what do you
say we stop?

15. I'm so miserable without you ...
it's almost like you're here.

16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky and
West Virginia)


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 Post subject: For the ladies
PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 4:48 am 
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For the ladies

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went though so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He rose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and packed up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted, and though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."


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 Post subject: guys' side of the story
PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 4:51 am 
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guys' side of the story

Finally, the guys' side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!


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 Post subject: Menopause and Light Bulbs
PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 4:54 am 
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Menopause and Light Bulbs

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in
this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the
bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they
figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to
find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD
for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find
them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID
light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD
BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER
CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 1:42 pm 
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Location: The Computer Zone!
What do computer technicians eat?




















Answer: Computer Chips! :lol:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 3:12 pm 
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Location: Hog Heaven
A man goes to a dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist
pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.
The
dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask
on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a
pill.

"No objection", the patient says, "I am fine with pills".

The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet. "
The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain
killer!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something
to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 3:17 pm 
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haha! That's bad man. :lol:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 3:26 pm 
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THE WORLDS SHORTEST FAIRY TALE


There once was a man who asked his girlfriend to marry him and she said "NO". And he hunted and fished and camped and watched sports and drank beer and whiskey anytime he wanted and lived happily ever after.

P.S. he also folded for MPC and bought fast, expensive computers.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Sep 29, 2006 4:11 am 
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ARMY VS. AIR FORCE
There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy
driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other
cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off
in different directions.

The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says,....."Man, I am really lucky to be
alive!"

Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, ..... "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I
think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty
differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, ...... "You know, you're
absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else
survived this wreck"

So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened
bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we
should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"

The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and
starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the
bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your
turn!"

The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I
think I'll wait for the cops to show up."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Oct 01, 2006 8:45 am 
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Location: Cryptogram City!
One of the afternoon sessions at the programming conference was "Confidence in your Code".

The sessions leader asked every programmer in the room to imagine they were on a 767 airliner, and just after the doors were closed and you were seated, you discovered the cockpit was unmanned - and being flown on it's maiden flight by your companies new piloting software.

The question: "How confident are you now?" What would you do about this unnerving turn of events?

Answers varied from deep concern to near complete panic:

"I'd reboot the main computer", "I'd call my wife and tell her I loved her", "I'd open the emergency door and make the inflatable slide pop out". "I'd squeeze out this tiny window if I had to.."

The session leader was drawn to a miiddle-aged men who seemed quite relaxed.

"Why are you so relaxed - is your software so good you'd trust it with your life at 30,000 feet?"

"Oh no", he said, "With our software, I'm quite confident, this plane would never even find a runway, let alone take off!"

:P

Adak


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 6:47 am 
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Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The

house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl

to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he

helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his

bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the

wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in

the first place......smack his ass again!"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 11:11 am 
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I don't know where this is from, it's funny (for me at least, being a college student)


I- Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.

II- Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time
Now God said to Student, you must be sick all of the time. And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and make out with people you don't know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.

III- Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages
Student asked, but God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And God said unto him, thou shall write witty away messages. God said to student, you shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say you are getting wet and wild in the shower. You shall never say you are at class, you shall say you are sleeping in class. God said, if you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you. Blessed are the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends but never hook up with them. And it was good.

IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a college kid. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked God, "What kind of Hoodie should it be?" And God said, "You shall own many of varying colors and creeds." And Student was pleased and God was pleased.

V- Thou Shalt Shit a Lot
And Student asked of his bathroom habit and God told him, Student, you shall eat in the Cafeteria and you shall shit a lot. And it will not be good shit, it will be the shit of the devil for your ass shall burn for hours. Your school shall put laxatives in their food and you shall feel their pain. And Student began to weep, and God said unto him, Student, fear not the shit, for all your fellow students will be experiencing the same. And Student dried his eyes and thanked God and God told him to use wet naps to ease the pain.

VI- Thou Shalt Eat EasyMac
Student asked unto God if there was any alternatives to the cafeteria, and God said to him, you shall eat a lot of EasyMac. It is easy to make and you don't need milk or a stove. And student said microwaves were forbidden by the RA. And God said to him, you shall hide the microwave under your bed with a towel on top. And Student asked, what if it is discovered. And God told him to stop being such a pussy, and it was good.

VII- Thou Shalt Hook Up
Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good. And Student became gleeful and God told Student to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but Student does not.

VIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings
Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things. So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because the glee club is gay. And Student understood His wisdom.

IX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused
God said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are. You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in Sharpie. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student understood and God took a sip of a beer.

And God gave Student the final Commandment

X- Thou Shalt Gain Weight
And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still get ass even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore. Student felt better and God pointed to Student's chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits. And it was good.


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