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 Post subject: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 2:37 am 
Folding for Elena
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Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:50 pm
Posts: 17008
Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
Humor is one of the ingredients of life that make it worth living.

I have been sending, what I believed to be, the best jokes that I see to a select group of folders on the team. There are the ones that for one reason or another I ended up with their e-mail address in my possession.

Blondie has suggested that a joke thread could possibly be popular on the folding forum. I have to agree but can foresee some potential problems. For that reason, here are some rules that will hopefully avoid most of those problems.

* * * * * * * * * * * * Joke Thread Rules * * * * * * * * * *

1. They must not go over the line and into the area of bad taste.

This rule is difficult to judge (who will do it). Six, Blondie and myself. If your joke goes over the line it could disappear from view without explanation.
Don't take this personal or get your tail feathers in an uproar. These are just jokes folks.

2. No comments - just jokes.

If we had pages of comments, laughing and complaining or going off subject, it would be hard to find the next joke and this would probably fail pretty fast. If you need to tell someone how you felt about a certain joke, send them a PM or an e-mail. Comments etc that slip in by accident will just be removed without explanation. We don't want to make extra work for Blondie.

3. If you've gotten a joke via email that has > please go to Mr. Eds bracket stripper to remove >

4. This space available for additional rules as found necessary to make this enjoyable for everyone.


* * * * * * * * * * * Suggestions * * * * * * * * *

Only offer the best you find.
If it makes you truly laugh and you feel the need to share, we want to hear it.
Please don't feel you have to have an entry at any cost.

A joke can be just words, just a picture, a combination or even a video.
Lets see if we can make folks laugh till it hurts.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 2:41 am 
Folding for Elena
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Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:50 pm
Posts: 17008
Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
Dear Diary,

For my fifty-fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear sweetheart) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring , Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
Toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
Hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*%&* too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that b_*&# Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it!.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%##&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (that scheming dear) will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy .


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 2:55 am 
Folding for Elena
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Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:50 pm
Posts: 17008
Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
. . . . . . Image


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 3:04 am 
Team Dino
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Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2004 6:29 am
Posts: 6124
Location: Huntsville, Alabama.
Imagine the ideal American family. Mother, father, one daughter, white picket fence, the whole nine yards.

One day on the way home from work the father decides to suprise his little girl with a pet she's always wanted. Stopping at the pet store, he picks out an adorable puppy, wagging tail and all. After greeting her father at the door, the little girl is quite thrilled to see the puppy. She begins petting the adorable puppy and playing with it. After a few minutes, the puppy becomes startled and bites her. Not too hard, but just enough to shock the little girl who in return runs crying and screaming to her bedroom, slamming the door shut.

The father feels terrible about this, and later that night listens to her as she's praying.

"Dear god, that puppy hurt me today, and I want you to kill it!"

The father just laughs to himself, walks down the hallway to his bedroom and goes to sleep.

The next morning when he wakes up, much to his surprise, the puppy is dead. On the way home from work he feels awful about the sudden death, so he decides to buy his little girl a kitten.

Again upon the return home, the daughter is delighted to see the fuzzy cute animal, and begins stroking it. After a few minutes of the petting, the little girl accidentally rubs the kitten the wrong way. After being scratched by the irritated kitten, the little girl once again goes running and screaming and crying to her bedroom. Worried about his daughter, the father once again listens in on her prayers.

"Dear god, that kitten hurt me today, and I want you to kill it!"

The father shakes his head, disappointed in the vengefulness of his daughter's words. After waking up the next morning, he discovers the kitten is indeed dead.

The father, thinking the little girl is behind the acts, becomes infuriated. He chastises his daughter, and as his little girl runs down the hallway screaming and crying, the father feels a knot in his stomache. Having had trouble staying focused all day, the father listens to the girl praying once again.

"Dear god, my daddy hurt me today, and I want you to kill him!"

Fearing for his very life, the father struggles in bed for hours, until finally exhausted both mentally and physically, drifts off to sleep.

The next morning he wakes up, happy to be very much alive, proclaiming thankfullness for his life. The man gets up and walks down the hallway to open the front door...
















And the milkman is dead.

:wink:

n0b0dykn0ws


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 4:45 am 
Monkey Federation (Top 10)
Monkey Federation (Top 10)
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Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2004 5:42 am
Posts: 1580
Location: Somewhere NY - Folding as SneezyKevinA
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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2 but I don't know how they get in!

(where's my little dissapearing smilie guy when I need him) :lol:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 5:00 am 
Team Member Top 50
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Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2005 1:51 pm
Posts: 1805
Location: CLEVELAND, I SUPPOSE.... WELL SUPPOSE I AIN'T UP FOR SUPPOSIN ,THEN I GUESS ILL START FIGURIN!
A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them. All of a sudden the husband comes. Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there.
Boy:- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer ball.
- That's nice.
- Do you want to buy it?
- No, thanks.
- My dad is outside.
- Ok, how much?
- 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe.
Boy:- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- How much?
- 750 dollars.
- Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
- Lets go and play soccer.
- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.
- How much did you get?
- 1000 dollars.
- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than they are worth. That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.
Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
- It's dark here.
Priest:
- Don't start with that shit again!!!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 6:25 am 
Team Member
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Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2004 7:39 am
Posts: 691
Location: Folding as QQue - que'ing up #300 of pork and beef
Ok, here comes a two-fer:

Little boy walks in on his parents doing the deed. Dad; stammering, says, "Err, hello son! I, uh, was, uh, just.... filling up your Mom's gas tank! Yeah, her gas tank!"

The little boy responds, "Well, she gets terrible mileage as the FedEx guy just topped it off this afternoon!"




And my favorite all time joke dating back to third grade. I'd stop reading now if you hate 'goofy pun' jokes. You have been warned.

Little Johnny was in class one day when the teacher gave all her students some homework. She assigned each student a word and they were to come back the next day and have a story using the word.

Johnny listened as Suzie got "ball," Michael got "puppy," and so on. Johnny was last on his teacher's list and she had gone through most of the words Johnny was hoping to get. Once his turn came, the teacher had a perplexed look on her face as she had run out of words. On a whim, she gave Johnny "geometry."

Now Johnny had no clue what geometry was and let's just say his parents weren't able to offer much assistance either. Johnny tossed and turned all night unable to sleep trying to come up with a story for the teacher's assignment.

The next day came around and Johnny still did not have a story to tell. The teacher called each student up to the front of the class to recite their word and story. Finally, it was Johnny's turn. A flash came to his thoughts. He had it!


"Hello, I am Johnny and my word is 'Geometry.' Once there was an acorn and he fell down to the ground. The acorn went to sleep. Six months later, he woke up and said, "Geometry!""


gee-i'ma-tree (don't hate me if you laughed)


Last edited by mobiledude on Sat Jul 29, 2006 7:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 7:39 am 
Little Foot
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Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2004 2:48 pm
Posts: 190
A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair (given that you are blind) that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


His funeral is this Friday !!!!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 7:50 am 
Little Foot
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Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2004 2:48 pm
Posts: 190
OK, 2 more. I get these from my wife. She has funny friends!


A very unattractive, mean acting woman walks into Walmart with her two kids. After shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she says to the Walmart greeter, "Go through those carts and find me one that doesn't need oiling for once!"

"Yes Ma'am, happy to oblige," says the Greeter, and goes and picks out a cart for her. "Here you are, Ma'am, hope this one is okay," he says.

"If you'd get out of my way, maybe I could find out!" snaps the woman.

"Sorry, Ma'am," the Greeter says, standing aside, "And you and the twins have a nice day."

The woman snarls, "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look alike."

The greeter smiles, "No they don't Ma'am. I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."





Try to figure this one out before looking at the answer

Scenario:


You are traveling in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a double decker bus and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



Scroll down for the answer..















































































Answer:



Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're hammered.


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 Post subject: YABJ (Yet Another Blonde Joke)
PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 12:23 pm 
8086
8086

Joined: Fri Jul 28, 2006 6:33 am
Posts: 17
Location: at my desk, workin' for the man
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan; so, the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but, we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "The airport wanted to charge me two hundred dollars to store my car. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Guess not all blondes are dumb! :wink:
--- Thanks to snopes.com


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2006 1:18 pm 
Folding for Elena
Folding for Elena
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Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:50 pm
Posts: 17008
Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
I believe that in these difficult and mean-spirited times we live in, there needs to be a message of hope. Just a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace and joy. An image that suggests the universal brotherhood of man. I have found that image, and I ask that all of you take a moment to be inspired by it.

















. . . . . . . . . . Image





Please note:

The red car in the parking lot belongs to Sneezy.
He refers to it as his baby.
Wouldn't this be where you would expect to find him.
That really is his car. How do I know?
I put it there.

Joke donated by thunar with touches of whimsy by G.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Extra Credit Add ON:




A lot of folks can't understand
how we came to have
an oil shortage here in our country.


Well, there's a very simple answer.


Nobody bothered to check the oil.


We just didn't know we were getting low.


The reason for this is purely geographical.
Our Oil is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, Texas, Utah and Wyoming.








Our DIPSTICKS are located in WashingtonDC.



Many jokes are funny because they are so near the truth.
Being an avid CSPAN viewer this one made me laugh.


Last edited by gsmitheman on Wed Aug 02, 2006 6:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2006 5:13 am 
Team Member Top 1000
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Joined: Thu Mar 30, 2006 5:39 pm
Posts: 775
Location: If you don't know...how should I
3 woman walking down a beach stumble across a lamp in the sand. They pick it up and start to clean the sand off. Out pops a genie who says: "You have released me from my prison to which I have been for 1000 years. I will grant you each one wish."

The first woman thinks for awhile. Finally she says:
"I wish to be the smartest women in the world."

The genie snaps his fingers, "It is done."

The second woman gets a little upset about the wish, "I wish to be 10 times smarter."

The genie snaps his fingers, "It is done."

The third woman gets jealous with her 2 friends, "I wish to be 100 time smarter than both of them."

The genie snaps his fingers, "Ok, you are a man"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:46 am 
FoldingMonster
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Joined: Wed Jun 08, 2005 5:47 pm
Posts: 1280
Location: My Rock & Stone Cathedral
I have an English Springer Spaniel.

Recently I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

:shock:

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't, but that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time... BUT that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

She stood there speechless, with her mouth opening and closing like a small fish... I think she was groping for words, so I took the opportunity to fill the silence with further details...

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is that you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. She continued with what looked like an effort to speak, but since there was still no sound coming out, I continued, saying that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in our line (and a pair of lines to either side of us ) was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified (and finally finding her voice), she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by eating dog food.  I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I don't know how to begin to describe the reaction in the checkout area.

I thought that one guy was going to have a heart attack since he was laughing so hard that snot was dripping from his nose as he staggered out the door.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2006 8:04 am 
Monkey Federation (Top 10)*
Monkey Federation (Top 10)*
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Joined: Thu Jun 24, 2004 1:22 pm
Posts: 27374
Location: In a cage, dumbass.
Sneezy wrote:
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
.
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2 but I don't know how they get in!

(where's my little dissapearing smilie guy when I need him) :lol:


BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ZING!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 6:06 am 
Folding for Elena
Folding for Elena
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Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:50 pm
Posts: 17008
Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
A human with a sign wouldn't last long

Image


Security - Attention idaiki

Image


Help Wanted

Image


What the Heck - It's worth a try

Image


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 6:23 pm 
Monkey Federation (Top 10)
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Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2004 5:14 pm
Posts: 1191
Location: Dragon flying go old so I came back to the cage
Wooot, I can make it to that same fence in oh, say a year or so. depending on just where the dog decides to bite. :lol:

Thanks G


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 9:20 pm 
Team Member Top 50
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Joined: Wed Jun 28, 2006 11:23 pm
Posts: 511
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
This is courtesy of the new issue of Readers Digest.

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 10:30 pm 
BANNED
BANNED

Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 1:12 am
Posts: 1695
Location: The Computer Zone!
A man walks into a bar with a six-shooter. He points it to an old miner and says, "Can you dance?"

The old miner doesn't say anything, so he asks it again louder. Again the old miner is silent. So he tries a third time yelling at the old miner.

Finally, the old miner pulls out a rifle from behind his back and says, "Can you kiss a donkey?"

The man replies, "No!"

The old miner replies, "You're going to learn how today."

Enjoy!

M_C


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 12:41 am 
Team Member Top 50
Team Member Top 50

Joined: Sat Jun 25, 2005 11:04 am
Posts: 1026
Here's a couple from my high school german teacher.

One French rifle for sale: never fired, dropped once.

Why are all the streets in Paris lined with trees?













The Germans like marching in the shade.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:41 am 
Team Dino
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Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2004 6:29 am
Posts: 6124
Location: Huntsville, Alabama.
Image

n0b0dykn0ws


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