Maximum PC

Thanks for the chuckle dedgar!

Entering a classroom at MCAS (Marine Corps Air Station,) Yuma, a female Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected to provide a full hour's instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.

She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new "Bitching Betty." However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male homosexual within earshot.

The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 pairs of eyes were wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.

Now don't you just love these female Marines?

The Supreme Court has ruled that there will not be a Nativity Scene in the US capitol this year. The reason is not religious.
They couldn't find three wise men in Washington DC.
The search for a virgin is still ongoing.
Thy did, however, have no trouble find enough asses to fill the stables.

Thanks, dedgar. Loved both of those.

The story got a chuckle out of me. I got to know a few WMs when I went to MCAS El Toro for NCO School. They were pretty tough. I think they had to be in such a male-centric environment.

Bringing back to the main page one of the post that Gordon created to help get others involved in the forum. Rest in Peace Gordon!

As a spinoff of Foxworthy's 'You might be a redneck.....'

You might be a nurse if:

1. You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
2. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal
to you.
3. You believe that a good tape job will fix anything.
4. You have the bladder capacity of five people.
5. You can identify the "positive teeth to tattoo" ratio.
6. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
7. You find humor in other people's stupidity
8. You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.
9. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
10. You have your weekends off planned for a year.
11. When a pt. presents with a list of 30 allergies to meds you
automatically think they are a drug seeker or a pt. of Dr. Solotkin.
12. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose
restraint.
13. You encourage an obnoxious pt. to sign out AMA just so you don't
have to deal with them anymore.
14. You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis.
15. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
16. You plan what you're going to prepare for dinner while performing
gastric lavage.
17. You believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan.
18. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says,
"Boy it sure is quiet around here."
19. Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing
than most computers.
20. You refer to Friday as "dump day".
21. You believe chocolate is a food group.
22. When someone calls you a bitch and you take it as a compliment.
23. When you are out in public you complement a complete stranger on
their "Great Veins."
24. You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the
"Eternal Care facility"
25. You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.
26. You have ever referred to someone's death as a celestial transfer.
27. You ever answered a "lost condom" phone call.
28. When you refer to a pt. in respiratory distress as a "smurf"
29. Your idea of a really good time is duelling shock rooms.
30. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...getting
it right the first time."
31. You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.
32. You have ever had to leave a pt's room before you begin laughing
uncontrollably.
33. You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls asking, "Is
my Mother (father, etc.) there?
34. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab
or ER.
35. You have ever issued a "dead head alert".
36. You have ever referred to the ER doc or triage nurse as a "s***
magnet".
37. Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
38. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
39. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
40. The most commonly uttered phrase in triage is "What changed tonight
that makes it an emergency after 6 months?"
41. You have heard the charge nurse muttering down the hall, "Who's in
charge of this mess anyway?"
42. When you mention vegetables you're not referring to the food group.
43. You have used the words "healthcare reform" to strike fear in your
co-worker's hearts.
44. You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a valium
salt lick.
45. You play poker using ectopy on EKG strips.
46. You believe a "supreme being consult" is your pts only hope.
47. You want to order a "dumbs*** profile".
48. You are totally astounded when someone from lab speaks English.
49. You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you say , "No I don't
worry about birth control... I've been irradiated."
50. You believe that your patient is demonically possessed.

I'm not a nurse, but some of those fit me.
I am unashamed to say some of Foxworthy's originals fit, too.

Gather as I tell you the legend of the Second Lieutenant.

2LT, for short, is a mythical creature of old which can still be found around, and sometimes in, formations the Army over. Generally harmless when around formations, the 2LT has been found to be dangerous if placed in charge of the formation. The creature's most identifiable attribute is wandering aimlessly around land navigation courses and Field Exercises staring hopelessly at a map. If one were to spot a 2LT, fear not, they are generally benevolent creatures and can be readily approached. However, it is of the utmost important that you do not anger the 2LT in your approach, you must at all times salute the 2LT. Failure to salute the creature unleashes a beast from within that has been known to cause humorous stories which will inevitably be recounted for months, and in some cases - years.

The 2LT is placed in charge of various offices and jobs throughout the Army and learns, as any Soldier, from their mistakes. However, if ever in the presence of a 2LT and you hear them utter the mythical magical words "In my experience", they are no longer making mistakes -- they are casting upon you, your team, or your office a spell so dangerous and horrifying it will take many NCOs a long time, and much heartache, to unfuck. Additionally, when dealing with the creature it is paramount to always keep in mind that NEVER, in ANY circumstance, FOR ANY reason, should you believe the 2LT when they say "It's this way." History, and legends from tales long yonder for mentioned, have proven this to be the one phrase used by the 2LT but never EVER found to be true.

2LTs will eventually mature into wiser, more well groomed creatures known as 1LTs, and many even to higher life forms of the Officer species. However, whilst the creature is in its adolescent state of 2LT it is your duty to take the things you have learned here today and live happily, and in harmony, with your own 2LT. If ever you should disregard these vital attributes and key points of the 2LT, the consequences and repercussions of your actions will be so great that even you will hang your head, in shame of yourself.

Now go, go tell the world of the 2LT, for you soon too will see, with thine own eyes, that the things of which I have spoken are THE TRUTH!

Rest in peace Gsmitheman - This is the post I made in the studio; wanted to add it here for members that don't get here often that may still be signed up for replies.

Maximum PC has lost a beloved member of the forum- Gsmitheman- aka "G" on January 25, 2012. His beloved wife Rose; was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer in October. They were able to spend their 39th anniversary together on Oct. 27th & her birthday Nov 6th before she passed away November 27th. Gordon has not posted since announcing her cancer; I don't doubt that his heart was broken into many little pieces.

"G" always had words of encouragement for team members & his posts that were filled with many cartoons & funny images will be missed by everyone. I'm sure we can't count the number of people that started folding because of his posts. He was known at many forums & encouraged everyone. One of his lasts posts on the forum is quoted below; his wish was that everyone continue to fold for as long as it's needed. As sad & shocked as we all are; we need to try to wipe our tears & remember this.

Stop by the folding section to show your support for G's family in the link below.
You can also leave the family a message in the guest book; or the funeral home guest book

The team would also like to get a server running at Stanford in their honor & if you can donate; it would be appreciated; so stop by that post too to show your support.

We Lost One of F@H's Greatest Champions - Gordon Smitheman


Donations for server in "G's" name



Rest in peace Gordon; Rose & Daisy

I want to personally thank everyone that respected this rule; I know it's not easy.

Southerner's Medical Dictionary

Artery................................ The study of paintings
Bacteria............................ Back door to the cafeteria
Barium............................. What doctors do when patients die
Benign............................. What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section......... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan......................... Searching for Kitty
Cauterize.......................... Made eye contact with her
Colic................................ A sheep dog
Coma.............................. A punctuation mark
Dilate................................ To live long
Enema............................ Not a friend
Fester............................. Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................. A small lie
Impotent.......................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain.................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................... A Doctor's cane
Morbid............................ A higher offer
Nitrates........................... Cheaper than day rates
Node................................ I knew it
Outpatient...................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis............................. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............... A letter carrier
Recovery Room............. Place to do upholstery
Rectum........................... Dang near killed him
Secretion........................ Hiding something
Seizure........................... Roman emperor
Tablet............................ A small table
Terminal Illness............. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor............................. One plus one more
Urine............................... Opposite of you're out

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,

"You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,

'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

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4. Expandable - stretches to cover every situation, returns to original size when you're finished
5. Lightweight - weighs next to nothing, even when solving heavy problems
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Here's what each Kit contains:
1. A short list of the most important things your parents taught you as a small child
2. A long list of the things you were taught in school, but quickly forgot
3. A list of do's and don'ts that cover most social situations, including those really awkward moments when people stop talking as you approach
4. A list of do's and don'ts that cover the basics of riding motorcycles, including excessive speed, poor braking technique, riding in sandals or cutoffs, riding without a helmet, and much more
5. Amusing anecdotes featuring real people who actually used some Common Sense in their daily lives
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Most customers report very good results with the Common Sense Kit, which is why we we get so many repeat orders. Unfortunately we can't guarantee that the Kit will work for everyone, so we can't offer refunds or provide exchanges in the event you discover you're Common Sense Intolerant (CSI). Some people just aren't, they never will be, and nobody can help them... not even the trained professionals here at BestRest Products.
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Buy extras for your kids!!!

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes?

WalMart announced that sometime in 2012 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce wines at affordable prices in the $1 to $4 range.


Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a can or carton of the WalMart brand into their shopping carts, but "There is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at The University of Arkansas, Bentonville. "However, branding will be very important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name
for the WalMart wine brands and varieties.

The top surveyed names, in order of popularity, were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of WalMart wine is that it can be served with either white
meat (possum) or red meat (squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know
that possum is not white meat.

The IRS sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!!
....I guess it was because of my response to the question : "List all dependents?"
I replied -
........
12 million illegal immigrants;
3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico ; and
535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

THE NEW

The ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different....
Two Different Versions ...


OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so ?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green...'

Occupy the Anthill stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the SEIU (Service Employees International Union) group singing, 'We shall overcome'.

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake, while he damns the ants.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight..

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.