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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 1:26 pm 
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Don't speed on Fort Campbell in Kentucky!!!!!!!! They mean it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :shock:

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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 1:47 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 1:55 pm 
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dedgar wrote:
[image]


cue random law firm commercial:

Has a relative or loved one been blown up by a helicopter for speeding? If so, you may have legal rights. call 1-800-SUE-THEM now for your free consultation.





Ted


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 10:50 pm 
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A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 9:19 am 
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Apologies to the women folk on the forum. :mrgreen:

Joke of the year: Two women were sitting together, quietly minding their own business.

Joke of the decade: Once upon a time there was a happy woman.

Joke of the century: Once upon a time, a woman admitted to being wrong.


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 4:45 pm 
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A wife asked her husband: What do you like most about me, my pretty face or my sexy body?

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: Your sense of humor!


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 12:09 pm 
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A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about
to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

She does. A long, deep, passionate kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 1:29 am 
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Location: Lost in a paper bag again...
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice, insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added,

“I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2011 9:50 am 
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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet.


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2011 11:11 pm 
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Code:
[Server_Message]
error_producing_scoreboard
packet_lost
points_reset_request_produced
error_log_produced
error_log> error_09984532 - balls not given
[/Server_Message]


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2011 6:21 am 
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Subject: Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office

Dear Mr. Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight goddamn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin’ address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals assholes workin’ there?

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin’ copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60 !!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the fuckin’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?!

(fuckin’ morons)

Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!

Signed – An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.

I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.

However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST fucking CHINA!!!

Hamilton, Ontario Canada

Submitted by John Hutchinson


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2011 1:17 pm 
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What do these gun toting gentlemen have in common?

They all have guns that seem to have unlimited firepower.

Ammunition was never a problem for 1950s cowboys

Their 6 shooters always had ample ammo to handle the bad guys.

Libyan rebels (revolutionists) fire into the air an awful lot
Maybe more than they fire at their enemy
But they seem to never run out.

I just noticed another thing they have in common
They seem very happy to have their picture taken


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 6:53 pm 
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from an e-mail I received

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Basketball, Football, Poker and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Housewife
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelery and Flowers, but remember – overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie…
Good Luck,
Tech Support


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:24 pm 
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A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner. "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline. The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker.

He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says.

And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table.

Still, no one says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 4:18 am 
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Ok, just to preface this, it is not my view nor do I mean any offense by it, however it did give me a good laugh and thought I'd post it for those who might also enjoy it.
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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2011 1:07 pm 
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MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO



Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.


What did she think - I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now interested in my story.)


Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's behind and a car hit me.


I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.




Costco won't let me shop there anymore.


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2011 9:21 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:07 am 
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http://www.wimp.com/grizzlybear/

Not so much a joke, just not to be missed


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 8:12 am 
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Just putting up advertising signs wherever I go


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 8:26 am 
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