Maximum PC

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, and asked, "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. We had an efficiency expert here that determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. That same efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our time washing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my tool out of my pants, go, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

OK, this one is from memory.

A teacher is lecturing her class of nursing students on involuntary muscle contractions. She knows that sitting in any classroom can get boring if all you're doing is listening, so she decides to get the class interactive and grab their attention.

She suddenly turns to one young lady in the front row and asks "Do you know what your a-hole is doing while you are having an orgasm?"

"Sure" she replies, "he's usually drinking with his buddies down at the bar".

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

I don't like either of them





Ted

I've got bad news for you..

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

(And Fair is Fair)

What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds Mature.

Lately me and my friend have been making jokes based on the following formula:

I (hate/love) you more than ___ (hates/loves) _____.

Basically just pick either love or hate and then pick some racially offensive or taboo topic to fill the blanks and voila! A great joke in the making!

Here are two of my favorites that we've come up with:

1. I hate you more the Jews hated finding out they couldn't file for life insurance after the Holocaust.

2. I love you more than babies love playing "pin the tail on the electrical socket."

I seen that actual sign! Made me think twice about stopping...

Even just waking up before work I'm not so asleep as to ask a boxer who is possibly a DI in the Marine Corps about his possible indiscretions. Read a bunch of your posts this morning :)

LOL...I'm a civie working on a marine base, I haven't boxed since 1992 at NEO as a wealter (little shits), and still think about that sign.

I can build you a machine...I never done it, but stayed at a Holiday Inn Express.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."





Yeah, and I had an uh-oh moment and realized I forgot the "s" on Corps while showering... you replied before I could edit it lol. Any other errors will have to wait, I'm off to work.

Still, you've got connections... I stand by my caution on this one

Top 10 Bushisms
The Stupidest Things President George W. Bush Has Ever Said


10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8.) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002


Videos:
George Bush's stupid quotes
Letterman's Top Ten Bushisms
Good ol' Bush

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

'How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby.

The train departed.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

A doctor, lawyer and engineer are being sent to the guillotine.

The doctor is put in the machine first. The executioner asks: "Do you want to be head up, or head down?" The doctor thinks for a second, deciding he would rather face his adversity, says "I will be head up.".

He is placed in the machine. The executioner is ready. The blade is released. It accelerates! And STOPS, one inch from the neck of the doctor.

Everyone looks around. This has never happened before. Maybe it is a sign from god, that the prisoner isn't guilty. A decision is made. The doctor is set free.

Next the lawyer is brought in. Again the question is asked: "Do you wish to be head up, or head down?" He thinks for a second, thinks about the doctor, and says "I'll be head up."

The blade is released. It accelerates! And again, it STOPS, one inch from the neck of the lawyer.

The lawyer screams out: "Based on the precedent of the doctor, you must also let me go free!". The executioners look at each other, perplexed, shrug their shoulders and let him go.

Finally, the engineer is placed in the machine. Again, he is asked if he would prefer to be head up, or head down. He thinks to himself, it worked for the other two guys. He says: "I'll be head up."

They lay him down. The engineer looks up!

"Hey! I think I see your problem..."

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear.. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that shit here in Oklahoma!' she said.

best bud light commercial ever.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/pla ... 3259762001