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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 5:06 am 
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dedgar wrote:
THE NEW

The ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different....
Two Different Versions ...


OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so ?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green...'

Occupy the Anthill stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the SEIU (Service Employees International Union) group singing, 'We shall overcome'.

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake, while he damns the ants.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight..

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.




http://youtu.be/IKH4nY4WlFY
I would LOL but to much truth in it. Not sure if you are all old enough but in this story it's the grasshopper who is learning. Just the first minute or so teaches it all.

You could add a few things but then it would get way to political for a joke thread.


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 6:07 am 
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EasyE wrote:
Not sure if you are all old enough.........


age of dirt < age of dedgar
Truman was Prez
Ok, yuk it up with age jokes now, I can take it.
I'm an old fart on the edge with lots of guns and ammo. BRING IT!!!!!!
:twisted:


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 6:56 am 
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dedgar wrote:
EasyE wrote:
Not sure if you are all old enough.........


age of dirt < age of dedgar
Truman was Prez
Ok, yuk it up with age jokes now, I can take it.
I'm an old fart on the edge with lots of guns and ammo. BRING IT!!!!!!
:twisted:


Then we can LOL together, although I am no way near the Truman time. You are much wiser then I. But back to a joke;


An old man was sitting on a bench and a young man sat down next to him. All of a sudden the old man starts to cry and the young man asks him wats wrong.

The old man replys "iam retired and i have millions of dollars in the bank from being the president of a company and i have a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves to have sex."

The young man replies then why the hell are you crying?

The old man replies i forgot where i live!!!!

E

P.S. If my family and I show up at your house don't shoot.


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 12:38 pm 
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dedgar wrote:
EasyE wrote:
Not sure if you are all old enough.........


age of dirt < age of dedgar
Truman was Prez
Ok, yuk it up with age jokes now, I can take it.
I'm an old fart on the edge with lots of guns and ammo. BRING IT!!!!!!
:twisted:


be careful what you ask for, i am an old fart with lots of guns and nothing else to do. Roosevelt was in office when I was born. :roll:


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:27 pm 
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g.m.waters (red ranger3) wrote:
dedgar wrote:
EasyE wrote:
Not sure if you are all old enough.........


age of dirt < age of dedgar
Truman was Prez
Ok, yuk it up with age jokes now, I can take it.
I'm an old fart on the edge with lots of guns and ammo. BRING IT!!!!!!
:twisted:


be careful what you ask for, i am an old fart with lots of guns and nothing else to do. Roosevelt was in office when I was born. :roll:


Which one? Franklin or Teddy?


(Hey!! Watch where you're pointing that thing it might be loaded.)


Oh, yeah. The joke:

While creating women, God made a promise to men that good, quiet and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.



...............And then She smiled and made the earth round.


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 5:03 pm 
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BUMP!

I remember spending hours each night reading this thread when I first started. Thought it would be good to bring back to the front page. Hopefully people can add to it, but even if they don't, maybe some newbies will get a laugh or two.


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2014 10:28 pm 
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A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work. Her nine
year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the
wardrobe and watches them. All of a sudden the husband comes. Wife hides her
lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there.

Boy:- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer ball.
- That's nice.
- Do you want to buy it?
- No, thanks.
- My dad is outside.
- Ok, how much?
- 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe.
Boy:- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- How much?
- 750 dollars.
- Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
- Lets go and play soccer.
- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.
- How much did you get?
- 1000 dollars.
- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than
they are worth. That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.

Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door
and says:

- It's dark here.
Priest:
- Don't start with that shit again!!!


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2014 3:43 pm 
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Q: What does a bird and turtle have in common?
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A: They both fly except the turtle

(Rim Shot) Thank you folks, I'll be here all week


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2014 9:01 pm 
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be careful what you ask for, i am an old fart with lots of guns and nothing else to do. Roosevelt was in office when I was born. :roll:[/quote]

Which one? Franklin or Teddy?


(Hey!! Watch where you're pointing that thing it might be loaded.)


Franklin actually (answer better late than never)


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2014 2:44 pm 
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devastator_2000

Mt Dew out the nose on that one, thanks!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2014 5:03 pm 
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What do you call a turtle having sex?


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2014 5:09 pm 
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EasyE wrote:
What do you call a turtle having sex?
I'm guessing here, but I'm gonna say it doesn't matter what you call him because it's gonna take him forever to come.


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2014 4:57 am 
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crwlngkngsnk wrote:
EasyE wrote:
What do you call a turtle having sex?
I'm guessing here, but I'm gonna say it doesn't matter what you call him because it's gonna take him forever to come.



Slow Poke :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2014 11:48 pm 
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EasyE wrote:
EasyE wrote:
What do you call a turtle having sex?


Slow Poke :lol:


HAHAHA!


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2014 11:04 am 
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an interesting quote or two.

"think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that" George Carlin

"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?" Albert Einstein

Oh, and one more that most can relate to in our political times. "it is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong." Thomas Sowell


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2014 7:02 am 
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g.m.waters (red ranger3) wrote:
Oh, and one more that most can relate to in our political times. "it is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong." Thomas Sowell


That man is a national treasure, g.m. :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2014 10:37 am 
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This is getting a little off topic so I am going to start a new thread for Quotes...


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Sun Jun 08, 2014 4:19 pm 
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I still love this one;


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'

Now the auditor can tell that Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!!!!!!!!!!!!=


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2014 8:07 am 
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^^^THATS funny! :lol:


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