Maximum PC

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

LIE CLOCK

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The
hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in
his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Situations where it might be OK to use the F-Word




























Complements of some other retired geezers in Florida

Can You Relate?
OK I admit it's not really a joke.
But I bet phred, GM and willis enjoy the read (and probably a lot more of you).
What a different world I grew up in compared to what I see today.



LOST IN THE FIFTIES

A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,

A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone,

And no need for recording things, someone was always home.



We only had a living room where we would congregate,

Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,

When meeting as a family just one room would work out fine



We only had one TV set, and channels, maybe two,

But always there was one of them with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,

And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.



Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook,

And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book.

Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,

We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.



Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,

But we knew where the others were, without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,

And nothing can compare to watching movies from your car.



Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season,

Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know,

Have real action playing ball -- and no game video.



Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,

And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?

The way that he took care of you or what he had to do,

Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you.



Remember going to the store when the skies were oh so sunny,

And when you paid for what you got you used your very own money?

Nothing you had to swipe or punch, or put in some amount,

and you had a friendly cashier that actually could count?



The milkman went from door to door,

For just a few cents more than a trip to the store.

The mail was delivered right to your door,

Without the junk mail that we all deplore.



There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take,

And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile;

They were streamlined, white walls, fins, and really had some style.



One time the music that you played whenever you would jive,

Was from a vinyl, big-holed disc they called a forty-five.

The record player had a post to keep them all in line,

And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.



Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,

As always we were striving, to find a better way.

But how the simple lives we led, still seems like so much fun,

when the only way to explain a game, was just kick the can and run?



And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes,

And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways,

I love the new technology but I really miss those days.



So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same,

But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please".

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.......


The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try a different tactic. He returned and took a seat. Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have.

"A martini, please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend.


The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh.....'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?"

This one's for the musicians in the crowd. Assuming there are some.

A local band is on stage playing the best show of their lives. The crowd is going crazy, every song sounds like a top 10 smash, and at the back of the theater, there's a guy in a suit with a cigar in one hand and a record contract in the other. They've made it!

The guitarist thinks to himself, "Man, this is fantastic. We're going to be huge stars and I finally get to show all those jerks at the music store that I'm better than them! They always made fun of my big hair and leather pants, but man, who's laughing now? Who's ripping an awesome solo right now in front of thousands of screaming fans? This is awesome! I ROCK!"

The singer thinks to himself, "Look at all these girls who wanna sleep with me! Oh man, we're going to tour, we're going to do videos, we're gonna have awesome parties, we're going to get so wasted! I'm gonna be on the cover of magazines, we're going to play the Super Bowl half-time show, and everybody's gonna know my name! I ROCK!"

The drummer thinks, "All those years of trying to keep these jokers together finally paid off. We can upgrade our gear, we can get roadies, we're going to be able to get a decent rehearsal space...hell, I can finally pay off these drums! It was all worthwhile. We stuck it out and we made it. WE ROCK!"

The bassist thinks, "D, G, A, A, A, A, A, D, G, E..."

DATING IN 1957




It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.


Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.


That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.


Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.


Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."


Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"


"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"


Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.


A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.


Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.


About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

why is diarria an inheritable trait











it runs in your jeans

Here are a few really good ones my friend Angela sent me

Jingle Bells in reverse...




http://pub.sinuspl.net/flash/Jingle_Bells_Reversed.swf

It dosen't wok for me.

It worked for me.

it worked for me

reminder - you aren't supposed to respond in the joke thread.

First he joined the Monkeys folding team.

We thought - How interesting, our boy is trying to help cure diseases.

Now this lovely tattoo - We are so proud of him.

We even agreed to separate vacations for the first time this year.
He's an avid swimmer you know and very good at that also.

We got him some lovely shirts for his birthday and suggested he show them off at the annual family picnic and reunion (unless he has something more important to do this year).

My Daddy the Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.


Don't forget to vote

A father daughter talk:

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and many times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair!" I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played, while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently,

"Welcome to the Republican Party."

Old one but still worth telling...


[color=blue]Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his fatther sat him down for a little fireside chat.....

He says, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother and said, "Here - try these on."

She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."

I replied, "exactly I wear the pants in this family and I always will.â€