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PostPosted: Wed May 05, 2010 6:54 am 
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Subject: Banned from Target

After a man retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, the wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday the dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

+++++++++++++++++++

Dear Mrs. Cahill.

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu May 06, 2010 5:50 am 
Folding for Elena
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Location: Great Lakes State - no Asian Carp Allowed
Natural Born Citizen

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to
be President of the United States . It was pretty simple. The candidate
must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was
the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that
this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming
president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the
floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a
natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born
by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in our last
election!

They Walk Among US...


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PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 4:22 pm 
Monkey Federation (Top 10)
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Location: Kansass
After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:


"Mike, do we still have intercourse?" There was a hush . You could hear a pin drop.


Mike answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Marian, I told you a hundred times...

What we have is... BLUE CROSS!!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat May 22, 2010 4:32 pm 
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Monkeys are the worst Click Here


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 12:33 pm 
Million Club - 20 Plus
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Location: Dixon Springs, TN
Nothing going right?

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.


"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."


"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.

" I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home I found my wife in bed with the milk man and then my dog bit me.


"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all . I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it and while I sit here watching the poison dissolve; a smart @** like you shows up and drinks the whole bloody thing!"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jun 17, 2010 4:06 pm 
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Moose Alert Click Here

The biggest animal I ever had in the yard was a deer.

I guess in parts of the world it might be an Elephant


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 Post subject: If men would just listen
PostPosted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 5:42 am 
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Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:
If men would just listen


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 1:33 pm 
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A foursome of older retired men were out playing golf one Saturday morning. They get to the tee at the eleventh hole and the first two men tee off. As the third one is addressing the ball, a funeral procession goes by. The man at the tee stops in the middle of his swing, removes his hat and bows his head. The other men look at him curiously, but join in by removing their hats and bowing their heads. As soon as the procession is past, he addresses the ball again and hits a beautiful drive down the middle of the fairway. Finally one the other men speaks up and says, "Frank, we've been playing together for many years and funeral processions go by almost every week we're out here. That's the first time we've ever seen you do that." Frank picks up his golf bag, starts down the fairway and says, "After 32 years of marriage, I figured I owed her that much."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jul 07, 2010 11:24 pm 
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jul 08, 2010 6:34 am 
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Its Murphy's famous cardboard case from the $500 build off :D





Ted


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jul 08, 2010 5:41 pm 
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What did the Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

















Make me one with everything..


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jul 31, 2010 6:02 am 
Folding for Elena
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The wife that wouldn't listen

He's lucky to be alive


Click Here


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 9:38 pm 
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As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishment, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...







..you !@#$ mosquito!


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2010 12:57 pm 
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Husband Down

Image


A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.


The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.



'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.


'Put them back, we can't afford them.' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.


A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.


What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.


Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2010 8:20 pm 
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A man enters a bar and sees Maxine sitting at a table.
He asks Maxine "May I buy you a drink?"
Maxine "No, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man "I'm sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine "No, they spread."


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Tue Oct 05, 2010 9:05 am 
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If this young man can do it so can you Click Here

He may get a million views

Apparently you are just too inhibited for your own good

Submit your best effort to YouTube and provide us with a link


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 4:11 pm 
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Found in my email

I was in the six-item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'


Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A minute.'

Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A penny.'

'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'

'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'

'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said.

'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.

'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'

'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.

With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

------------ --------- --------- --------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'

The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'

The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Fri Dec 17, 2010 8:06 am 
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Just got a Wii System and this was embedded in the hardware problems forum.

I don't take it that serious, but it appears many do.


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Tue Jan 04, 2011 11:11 pm 
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Location: The REAL Washington, state that is
A blind guy gets in a cab and asks to be taken to the closest bar. The cabbie obligingly dropped him off at a lesbian bar just around the corner.

The blind man finds his way in and sits at the bar and orders up a beer. Hearing the barkeep deposit the beer in front of him, he asks: "Want to hear a blonde joke?"

The barkeep says: "Look mister, since you're blind, I'm inclined to give you a break and tell you who you're in the company of. The woman to your right is a pro wrestler and goes 230 pounds of muscle. The woman sitting to your left is a bodyguard and a full black belt in karate. The two women you hear playing pool are both cops with an attitude. And your bartender is a two time arm wrestling champ and we're all blondes. So, do you still want to tell your little joke?"

"Nah" says the blind man. "Not if I have to explain it five times I don't."


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 Post subject: Re: J O K E Thread - We want your best - Skip the rest
PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2011 8:58 am 
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Location: Dixon Springs, TN
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . ..


No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
Never mind.


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