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PostPosted: Sun Feb 28, 2010 8:38 am 
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A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab."Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 28, 2010 8:49 am 
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After
all of the background checks, interviews, and
testing were done there were three finalists
-- two men and one woman. For the final test,
the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this
room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
You have to kill her."

The first man said."You cannot be serious. I
could never shoot my wife,"

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right
man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent
came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but
I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You
don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she
was told to kill her husband. She took the gun
and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all
was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow
and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was
loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death
with the chair."


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 3:08 pm 
Folding for Elena
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Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
This is what people with no hobbies (like folding) do.


- Click Here -


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2010 9:16 pm 
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Blondes Are The Best!!!


A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this."
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
Her husband says "The dog is still barking.
What have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard.
Let's see how THEY like it!"
+++ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
throwing those nails away?" Lynn explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."
Judy got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off."'How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"
"No, Silly," the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and
then I thought, "I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'"
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise'. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hail storm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold."'
"Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she Bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied..
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blonde replied, "Two popsicles and some coffee."
+++++++++++++
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,"'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically...
"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 8:27 am 
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Location: Lost in a paper bag again...
this is so funny (NSFW)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktJvbmxY ... r_embedded

*edited by Satchboy - added the NSFW


Thanx Satch. edit this again if you lol'd :D


Last edited by graydiggy on Sun Mar 07, 2010 4:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Mar 07, 2010 4:58 am 
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The search may finally be over: we may have found the very worst female driver in the world. How she managed to screw up like this remains a mystery.
http://www.break.com/index/woman-drives ... g-gap.html

Runner-up!
http://www.break.com/index/woman-cant-e ... space.html


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Mar 07, 2010 3:08 pm 
Folding for Elena
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Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
If you go to youtube and search for the best joke, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that comes close.

This one is pretty good, especially when you see who made it.

Click Here


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 9:43 pm 
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Got to love old people

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far &
would just walk home.
On the way, he stopped at the hardware store & bought a bucket & a
gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store & picked up a couple of chickens & a
goose.
However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem - how to
carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house.
I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm &
carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much", he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl
home.
On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut & go down this alley. We'll
be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a
lonely widow w/out a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up
against the wall, pull up my skirt, & have your way w/me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, 2 chickens & a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall & do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him w/the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, & I'll hold the chickens.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 9:51 pm 
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit.
It means someone stole the tent.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 18, 2010 3:09 pm 
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What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

Dave Berry


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Mar 29, 2010 1:37 pm 
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.



George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again..

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now." And he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 5:04 am 
Folding for Elena
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Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
I'd like to report my clappers were stolen Click Here


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 8:09 am 
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Happy Easter! :mrgreen:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 05, 2010 2:13 pm 
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Apr 08, 2010 7:40 am 
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Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
Amazing - Click Here -

After an exhibition like that the other team would be clapping and just cheer you on as you went to take your shot


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 12, 2010 6:22 am 
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For people that frequent different forums, just insert the forum name in the appropriate place.

How Many (insert forum name) Members Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to suggest we move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 conspiracy theorist to proclaim that light bulbs are really a Enviro-wacko tactic.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 12, 2010 6:34 am 
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Subject: Fw: MRE Dinner Date

This is absolutely HILARIOUS..for those of us who have eaten these things we can definitely understand how she felt-----

For all of you who know what an MRE is... And those that don't this is too funny and true not to read.

MRE dinner date, the following is a true story... Told from the point of view of a young Marine.

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had never eaten before. I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+calories in each meal.

Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-king and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice.

I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash.

I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right?

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous xxxxxxx, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voilaanger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"...it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess...Could've been leftover sand from Egypt ).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy –series China (that stuff is EXPENSIVE... My set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!" We dug in, and she loved the food.

Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the make-shift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... Yeah... Its Chocolate Mousse. Took me HOURS to make... Yup!

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly.

Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes. I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"

After I admitted it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY present and supervising.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.


I know... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.


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 Post subject: How policies are made!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 6:26 pm 
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Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done round here.

And that, my friends, is how company policies are made. :!: :!:


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 Post subject: No Cussing at Work
PostPosted: Mon Apr 26, 2010 9:29 am 
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Subject: No Cussing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressiv e go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: What are ya, a f__ing moron?

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 26, 2010 10:59 am 
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thanks gigabyte that is amazing.


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