Maximum PC

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

These are so stupid they aren't even punny.....

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married...
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road"

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"
Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "Well, 'It's Not Unusual'"

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field!
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman...
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns
to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh.
No pun in ten did

What do you call a deer with one eye?

A one eye deer.


What do you call a deer with no eye's?

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eye's and no ball's?

No f**kin eye deer

http://www.mtv.com/ontv/dyn/yo_momma/series.jhtml#/ontv/dyn/yo_momma/series.jhtml

Good one:

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over
a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one little thing bothering me. It was her
beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One
day "little" sister called and asked me to come over
to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when
I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties
and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there
for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged
me and said, we are very happy that you have passed
our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man
for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.......

KENTUCKY GIRL


A couple from Kentucky and a couple from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Kentucky, being friendly and all, said:
"So, where ya'll from?"

The east coast girl said:
"From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Kentucky sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes
that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies
7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever
selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting
to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall'
doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
"A Troubled User"

REPLY

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend
5.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the
system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not
to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under
Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) ..

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the
environment.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep
3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use
these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the
program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the
performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend
Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support ...

Why I Got Fired !

For the last company picnic, management had decided that due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink each person.





I was fired for ordering the cups.














Frees me up to work on folding full time

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on
their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.

Here's a clean and simple one I've been using for years, but I'm still getting laughs.

Spell the word "image" out loud then say "light bulb".

I don't get it

I-M-A-G-E-lightbulb...

"I am a G.E. lightbulb"

I still don't get it

G.E. = General Electric, manufacturer of light bulbs.

When you spell image out loud you are saying...

"I am a G.E. Light bulb"

Ahh... that makes sense. It doesn't strike me as funny though. Perhaps because I had to have someone spell it out to me (literally!)

you have no sense of humor.

Might wanna' make sure the old noodle is firmly seated in the socket Yurim. Hard to believe you didn't get that right off (whether it was funny or not)

It's not like I own stocks in the light bulb industry

Anyway... moving on back to our jokes (I just saw the rules)...


Top Ten Signs Your Computer Business Is In Trouble
- By Yours Truly

[list]
10. You work for Adobe and you designed the new company logo in The GIMP

9. You write the source code to Windows Vista in Redhat Linux

8. You play the competition's games when you're not coding your own

7. You run RAH while writing the latest FAH GPU beta

6. You play the Gamecube while you're designing DirectX 10

5. You swear that Linux is a P2P network

4. You call your grandma for upgrade advice

3. Your hardware older than Regis Philbin

2. You go to any magazine BUT Maximum PC for advice

1. You hire Spider Monkey to configure your server

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak.
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just ! as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever ! asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.?"
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Really Last testimony

Your folding team will never catch us.

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS......

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman waving at
Him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he
Knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his
Wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party ???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."