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PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 4:00 am 
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Location: Folding as QQue - que'ing up #300 of pork and beef
mag wrote:
Here's a couple from my high school german teacher.

One French rifle for sale: never fired, dropped once.

Why are all the streets in Paris lined with trees?
The Germans like marching in the shade.



Going to war with the French on your side is about as useful as a tuba at deer camp.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 6:08 am 
Folding for Elena
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Microsoft Tech Drafted

One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...

"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2006 4:18 am 
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Shipwrecked

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat washup with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron..I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please

Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months . You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.









"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course."



Sent to me from my golf widow sister-in-law.
Which may add to the humor a bit for me.


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 Post subject: compute your age
PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 10:16 am 
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Location: Streator, ILL ..........Now (Top 89)
this is amazing!

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ....
If you haven't, add 1755.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS


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 Post subject: blonde joke
PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 10:30 am 
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Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 8:04 pm
Posts: 32
there was a blonde driving when she saw a blonde swimming in a corn field. she stopped the car, got out and yelled, "hey it's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name. if i could swim, i'd swim out there and kick your ass!"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2006 5:24 am 
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Location: If you don't know...how should I
A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks up and says "Hey, we got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper replies: "Really, you have a drink name Murray?"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2006 7:18 am 
Folding for Elena
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Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
Think Fast in Florida

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic tables,

Horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the alligator."




I think the guy was a folder on our team who lived in Florida (can't say who).


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 3:20 pm 
Folding for Elena
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Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete.... She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

"Picabo, ICU."










Think of it more as a bump than a great joke.
But if you do, don't go telling it to everyone at work or school tomorrow.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 4:07 pm 
Monkey Federation (Top 10)
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Location: Somewhere NY - Folding as SneezyKevinA
Why did Mickey Mouse leave Minnie Mouse?

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Cuz she's f*cking Goofy :lol:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 6:32 pm 
Monkey Federation (Top 10)*
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Location: The Blue Nowhere
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 10:19 pm 
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Location: Some beach, surfing my brains out in Massachusetts
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
(Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.)


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 10:21 pm 
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Location: Some beach, surfing my brains out in Massachusetts
A Riddle

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer below
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Get your drunk ASS off the merry-go-round.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 1:04 am 
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Posts: 1026
Having just moved into his new office, a new 2nd Lieutenant was sitting at
his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new rank,
the Lieutenant quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then
said into the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your
message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he
asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up
your telephone."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2006 7:42 pm 
Folding for Elena
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Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
This is a two for one:

The first one is at this link Click Here

The second one starts here:

This is Why Dogs Bite


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2006 2:47 pm 
Folding for Elena
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Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
Keep in mind this was sent to my wife by a member of her Bible study group.
Before I start, I would like to dedicate the following joke to GM the cat lover and mikemtp the paramedic from the Virginia.


Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!


We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.





Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"


"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find
The button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
Not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
Floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to
The office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about
My head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2006 3:44 pm 
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:lol: !!!!!

That'll keep me chuckling for a few days.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2006 4:52 am 
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Location: The Koprulu Sector
this pilot and his passenger in a single engine plane
the pilot looses his way and he is trying to fly to seattle
he flys very low and opens the door and yells out to a person
WHERE AM I!!
the person says YOUR IN AN AIRPLANE!!
the pilot realizes where he is and lands in seattle

the passenger ask how he found his way?

he said "when i heard that person i knew that building was microsoft tech support!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2006 7:09 am 
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Location: Rowing on the left side.
Spacegy4 wrote:
this pilot and his passenger in a single engine plane
the pilot looses his way and he is trying to fly to seattle
he flys very low and opens the door and yells out to a person
WHERE AM I!!
the person says YOUR IN AN AIRPLANE!!
the pilot realizes where he is and lands in seattle

the passenger ask how he found his way?

he said "when i heard that person i knew that building was microsoft tech support!


I've heard that joke slightly differently and the punch line was: The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer.â€


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2006 8:28 am 
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Location: CLEVELAND, I SUPPOSE.... WELL SUPPOSE I AIN'T UP FOR SUPPOSIN ,THEN I GUESS ILL START FIGURIN!
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Sep 26, 2006 9:22 am 
Folding for Elena
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Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:50 pm
Posts: 17008
Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
Girl in Leather Click Here


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