Quantcast

Maximum PC

It is currently Fri Dec 19, 2014 7:49 am

All times are UTC - 8 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 879 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 ... 44  Next
Author Message
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jan 23, 2007 9:23 am 
Monkey Federation (Top 10)
Monkey Federation (Top 10)
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2004 5:42 am
Posts: 1580
Location: Somewhere NY - Folding as SneezyKevinA
Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Cuz b shells are to small and D shells are to big :lol:


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jan 23, 2007 9:39 am 
Monkey Fed [PC]
Monkey Fed [PC]
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 7076
Mom and Dad wer both very busy with work, life and kids. You know how it goes, there wasn't much time left for the deed., Their code word for it was doing the laundry, so the kids wouldn't figure it out. One night the Dad asks Mom if she wants to do some laundry and she says no, I have a headache.

A week goes by and the dad asks mom again if shewants to do the laundry. She says no she is too tired and has to get up early to take Billy to the doctors. This time the dad waits two weeks, and asks the mom again if she wants to do the laundry. She says no, dinner didn't agree with her and she has an upset stomach.

A few days go by and the mom feels a little guilty. She asks the dad one night if he wasnts to do some laundry and he replies,

No it was a small load and I did it by hand!


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jan 24, 2007 7:19 am 
Folding for Elena
Folding for Elena
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:50 pm
Posts: 17008
Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
I just got an email from Rose.

The title was Name That Tune


Get ready to name that tune.









Image


You'll kick yourself.





Moon River.




I didn't think fixing this picture and making it sharper was a particularly good idea.


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject: Saddam had a cat
PostPosted: Wed Jan 24, 2007 3:30 pm 
Little Foot
Little Foot
User avatar

Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2004 2:48 pm
Posts: 190
Saddam had a cat....

Image


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jan 24, 2007 3:33 pm 
Little Foot
Little Foot
User avatar

Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2004 2:48 pm
Posts: 190
OK...This one is a 2.25 meg wmv file, but you have to watch it til the end to get the full effect.

Have fun

Rear View Mirror


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 9:07 am 
Team Member Top 1000
Team Member Top 1000
User avatar

Joined: Thu Mar 30, 2006 5:39 pm
Posts: 777
Location: If you don't know...how should I
Medical Distinction


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS
Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS
Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next."



I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject: DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS.
PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 3:57 pm 
Team Member
Team Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2007 9:48 am
Posts: 17
Location: Wishing I was on the Galactica!!!
This one is for everyone who ..
a) has kids,
b) had kids,
c) was a kid,
d) knows a kid,
e) is going to have Kids.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject: REAL NEWSPAPER ADS
PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 4:00 pm 
Team Member
Team Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2007 9:48 am
Posts: 17
Location: Wishing I was on the Galactica!!!
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog ... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat .. been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jan 31, 2007 5:43 pm 
Folding for Elena
Folding for Elena
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:50 pm
Posts: 17008
Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
Image



Extra Credit (for all teachers)

WHAT DO TEACHERS MAKE?


The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.

One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers:

"Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."

To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?"

Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You Want to know what I make? (She paused for a second, then began...)

"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.

I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental... You want to know what at I make?" (She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)

"I make kids wonder.

I make them question.

I make them criticize.

I make them apologize and mean it.

I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.

I teach them to write and then I make them write.

I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math.

I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life."

(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.) "Then, when people try to judge me by what I earn, I can hold my head up high and not pay attention to people who ought to know better... You want to know what I make?

I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make?"

***********************
You all make a difference also, by folding.

If you're not seeing the jokes as they appear (getting an e-mail), add a joke to the list and start getting an e-mail message with every new post.


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 6:02 pm 
Folding for Elena
Folding for Elena
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:50 pm
Posts: 17008
Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
Men can't win!

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 9:49 pm 
~Team Member~
~Team Member~
User avatar

Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 9:47 pm
Posts: 1374
Location: Stratplan RIP Bro, we've got your 6/Folding as Retired_Redleg
A Marine Squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an
insurgent Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious.

Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in
similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert, and as first aid was being given to
both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was armed and moving north along the Highway and
coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other, we both
took cover in the ditches alongside the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable lowlife scumbag.
And he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy was a fat, good-for-nothing
left wing liberable drunk. We were standing there shaking hands when a
truck hit us."


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 9:52 pm 
~Team Member~
~Team Member~
User avatar

Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 9:47 pm
Posts: 1374
Location: Stratplan RIP Bro, we've got your 6/Folding as Retired_Redleg
Flat Tire...


A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she

eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.



She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men,

unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing

oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats,

exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...



Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It was not very long before

a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the

blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"



"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. "Well, what are

these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the

Officer...







"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" She replied.


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 2:15 am 
Team Member
Team Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri May 05, 2006 9:33 pm
Posts: 673
Location: Some beach, surfing my brains out in Massachusetts
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 2:39 pm 
Folding for Elena
Folding for Elena
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:50 pm
Posts: 17008
Location: Folding on the Best Team in the World
Another two for one deal:


I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you.

It was to me, and it's very well written.

ENJOY!


" WINTER "

a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre



Image








SHIT!

It's Cold !
Image



Now That you know how cold it is - Please bear with me on the next one.



Called: And you thought the squirrels were a problem with the bird feeder!




Image

Image

Image

Image


Gotta get me some of that rope.


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 4:23 pm 
Thoroughbred
Thoroughbred
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2006 6:31 pm
Posts: 1883
Location: PWN1NG t3h No0bs w1th vi3ta ult1mat3 X64!
How many computer nerds does it take to change a lightbulb?













Just one, because the socket will be obsolete in 6 months anyway!


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 4:30 pm 
Thoroughbred
Thoroughbred
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2006 6:31 pm
Posts: 1883
Location: PWN1NG t3h No0bs w1th vi3ta ult1mat3 X64!
How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?











7, one to change the light bulb and six to design the T-shirt!


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 9:56 pm 
Team Member Top 500
Team Member Top 500
User avatar

Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2006 11:52 am
Posts: 189
Location: The REAL Washington, state that is
Middle aged guy is standing at the bathroom mirror lamenting his failing youth. Says out loud to the wife: "I'm fat, I'm bald, I have hair growing everywhere but my head, my eyes are sagging, and I feel old." Man turns to his wife and says, "Can you at least pay me a compliment so I can feel better??"

Wife says: "Your eyesight is damn near perfect!"


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 2:12 pm 
Little Foot
Little Foot
User avatar

Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2004 2:48 pm
Posts: 190
I'm so old, when I go out to eat, they ask me for the money up front.


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 10:49 am 
~Team Member~
~Team Member~
User avatar

Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 9:47 pm
Posts: 1374
Location: Stratplan RIP Bro, we've got your 6/Folding as Retired_Redleg
Three surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in the country. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a senator from New York running for President!


Top
  Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:25 pm 
Team Member
Team Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2007 9:48 am
Posts: 17
Location: Wishing I was on the Galactica!!!
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could be as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer.
Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life,
you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.


Top
  Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 879 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 ... 44  Next

All times are UTC - 8 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group

© 2014 Future US, Inc. All rights reserved.