Maximum PC

My brother lives in a small town. It is usually a very quiet, laid back place. However lately they have been having problems with local youths. The usual, drunkedness, some drugs, vandalism. Even thefts and assaults are starting to increase.
The local constabulary consists of one lone officer who very much resembles Barney Fife. As such, the local youths are not very worried about being caught, let alone chased and arrested.
That is until the citizens of the town brought in another officer to assist. Now quiet has come back to this sleep little community. Peace reigns again.
Oh, I almost forgot. You need a picture of the new officer. Here he is in his brand new uniform.
http://files.colonies.com:80/UserData/7 ... hees_1.jpg

Two guys are chatting in a bar. During some small talk, one of them tells the other about how his business burned to the ground. "But I was fully insured so I didn't lose any money".

The second guy says, "Yeah, I had a business that got flooded out but the insurance company reimbursed me and it didn't cost me any money either".

The first guy looks at the second guy and asks "How DO you start a flood?"

3 for 1 special


Wife Golden Urinals

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.
"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."

She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar.

"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question: "Are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

*********************

The Hotel Bill

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

*************************

Abstinence

Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

I really like the radio show called CarTalk.
Often I will stay in the truck and listen to it while Rose shops for the groceries on Saturday morning.
This was one of those days and they opened with the following joke.

Always Wear Clean Underwear - Remember your Mom telling you that?

Myrtle and Joe where going shopping at the mall.
As they drove up to the mall the car started to make strange sounds.
Joe said, "I think I know what's wrong, you go shop and I'll work on fixing the car"

Myrtle shopped for everything she needed and still no Joe, so she started to walk toward the car.
As she got closer, she noticed a large group of people around the car.
Concerned she picked up the pace. On her arrival she finds what they are looking at.


Sticking out from under the car is what would normally be private parts but in this case they are definitely all public parts.
Unbelievable, absolutely no underwear in sight.

She was so embarrassed that she reached down and adjusted the exposed body parts and saw that they were covered.
On rising from her attempt at saving at least some of Joe's dignity, she looked over the hood and saw her husband standing there.

The mechanic that was working on the car needed 9 stitches where his head hit the car.


Mikemtp was the first paramedic on the scene but it was necessary for later arrivals to assist the mechanic.
Mikemtp was laughing for 20 minutes in the back of his ambulance.

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY." I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.

WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL 1 P.M. AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME." I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?" I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, “LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID,"BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." "OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES; SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE...FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY". AND I JUST SAT THERE...ON THE COUCH...NAKED.

- S I D

A man goes to his doctor and says, “Doc, I have a problem; my girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them allâ€

FROM THE BACK PEW

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen"

This comes from the personal experience file... (yup, this kind of stuff really happens):

I was on my was to Virgina about three weeks ago - another one of those week-long jobs that's been keeping me away from posting of late.

Passing through South Carolina, I noticed a sign hawking boiled peanuts at the next exit. I've loved those things since the days my grandaddy used to dig them up on the farm and boil'em for us grandkids, so I just had to stop.

JACKPOT! The food mart had a pot of those huge ones, just finishing up and ready to sell. I grabbed the largest cup I could find and stuffed it full of boiled peanuts.

I hauled my prize to the counter to pay, carefully balancing the overflow in the process. While in the process of paying, a cascade of peanuts fell and scattered, still steaming, on the counter.

The checkout girl, cute, probably late teens, major southern drawl, looks up from the mess I'd made and asks......

"YOU WANT SACK FOR YOUR NUTS?"



The gal at the other register let out a yelp and collapsed on the floor behind the counter - the girl ringing up... my nuts... froze and gave me that classic deer-in-the-headlights stare for about three seconds - flushed beet-red - and dissolved in laughter.

I laughed all the way to North Carolina.

2 for 1

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened the newspaper and began reading. After a few moments the man turned to the priest and asked, " Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man. Sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of cleanliness.

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned". Then returned to his paper.

The preist, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I am very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthiritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.


#2

One year at Thanksgiving, a woman went to her daughter's house for the Traditional Thanksgiving feast. Knowing how gullible her daughter was, she decided to play a trick. She told her daughter that she needed something from the grocery store.

When her daughter had left, she took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a cornish hen, and inserted it into the cavity of the turkey. and restuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.

When it was time for dinner, her daughter removed the turkey from the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, the mother exclaimed, " Jane, you cooked a pregnant bird!"

At which the daughter started to cry, It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.


Yep, you guessed it, she's a BLONDE !!!!!

Especially appropriate with the coming holidays:


Q: Why do we only see Santa Clause once per year?



A: If I had a list of all the naughty girls, I'd spend all year checking it twice TOO!

Another batch from Rose's Bible Study Group.
These are old ladies that are having a good time.

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long. She`d just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense, she couldn`t continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.

Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so soon?" What`s wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," she answered.

"Where?," he asked.

"Between the first and second holes," she replied.

He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

Videos dont work here

http://s132.photobucket.com/albums/q37/ ... ton_11.flv

OK
txks

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, What the hell, Ill try it.

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldnt do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, What?

He heard, This is the police. Whats going on down there?

The man replied, Im checking out the rear axle, its busted.

Came the reply, Well, you might as well check your brakes too while youre down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
>girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

>"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

>"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

>The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
>safety violation.

>The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector on the back of it."

>The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir.
>Did Santa bring it to you?"

>"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

>The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
>dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

New Service at Walmart

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart