Cummingsville, N.Y. – The

Submitted by lunchbox73 on Tue, 10/27/2009 - 9:44am

Cummingsville, N.Y. – The Verizon Wireless
"Can you hear me now?" guy was found dead today along a roadside in
upstate New York. Cause of death is apparently injury from 72 stab
wounds to the neck and abdomen and 18 gunshot wounds to the head and
chest. He was found lying facedown in the snow, cell-phone clutched in
one hand, with several knives still protruding from his back. As of
Tuesday, police had millions of suspects but had not ruled out suicide
or accidental death.

Sergeant Troy Jordan said, "This is the first time in we've have had
such an incredible plethora of people with both opportunity and motive.
God knows even I’ve wanted to take a shot at that guy. More than
anything, I’m relieved that someone – or a number of someones – did it
before he finally pushed me over the edge. My finger was just aching to
caress the trigger of my 9mm, y’know? But, er, um, getting back to the
crime, we have lots of suspects right now, and too much evidence to
point to any one person. Or even any five peoples [sic]."

U.S. Postman Brian Cressidae found the body while on his daily mail
route. "It was awful," moaned Cressidae. "He was just lying there in a
huge pool of blood. There were bloody footprints all around him in the
snow, and most of his head had been blown away. You'd think they'd need
DNA profiling to know who it was, except that the ass still had the
damn cell-phone clutched in his right hand. I knew right away [who it
was], and called the police on my cell-phone – it’s a T-Mobile. I’m
glad the bastard’s dead. If I’d had to hear him say that signature
phrase one more time, I would have gone home, taken my assault rifle
out of its concealed safe behind my easy chair, and gunned him down
myself."

Public response to the murder has been encouraging. Fans and opponents
alike are still human. Man on the street questioning found sentiments
like that of Paul Chen, who said, "This is unbelievable. It's a real
tragedy that it had to happen like this. I mean, with his face
basically gone the rest of the world can't have peace. I just feel bad
for the poor guy that it couldn't have come sooner. His family must be
torn apart that he lived as long as he did."

Just two blocks away from where the murder scene was still being
processed, neighborhood residents were already holding a vigil in his
honor, complete with beer, barbecue, half-naked, half inebriated babes,
a hot tub, illegal fireworks, cardboard cutouts of Catherine Zeta-Jones
and a solemn dirge played on a lively accordian to a polka beat.

Verizon Wireless spokesperson Anthony Daniels commented, "We at Verizon
mourn the loss of our primary advertising vehicle. We are saddened by
the horrible way in which he died and can only hope that his death was
quick. On behalf of Verizon and all its employees, we'd like to extend
our best wishes to his family, and assure them that we can hear him
now." Daniel's paused briefly before finishining, "Good."

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