The Game Boy: Things I Can't Do in Skyrim
The Game Boy: Things I Can't Do in Skyrim
Posted 11/16/2011 at 12:51pm
| by Nathan Grayson
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Skyrim is utterly staggering. There's just so much of it. So much to see. Some much to discover. So much stuff. Predictably, everyone on earth can't stop playing it, and all of society has ground to a screeching, swerving, slow-mo-exploding halt. And when people aren't playing it, they're gabbing on about it incessantly. “I did this, I did that, I kissed a dragon and I liked it.” I get it. You can do things. You want a cookie? I want a cookie. Cookies are pretty great. Where was I? Oh, right: I think it's time for a change of pace. So here are roughly a billion things I can't do in Skyrim.
I can't create spells – Previous Elder Scrolls games actually offered the option to whip up your own acts of absurdly powerful wizardry. In Oblivion, I once made a custom fire spell so powerful that I'm pretty sure it was eventually declared the canonical beginning of Fallout 3.
I can't spare my enemies – I love that enemies in Skyrim sometimes opt not to immediately charge in your direction, screaming wildly and nearly choking to death on their own disgusting mouth foam. It makes the world feel exponentially more authentic. And I also appreciate that enemies sometimes attempt to yield and hobble away on their broken kneecaps that I broke by breaking them. So of course, being an honorable guy, I attempt to let them off with a grievously gushing warning. But then – like clockwork – they say, “No... it can't end like this” and start tickling my vital organs with their pitiful feather strikes again. So I strike back.
I can't use my shouts when people are around – So there I was, watching the sun rise outside a small settlement, when a dragon flew overhead. “All right,” I figured. “I could use some light morning exercise.” The dragon landed for our little pistols/city-obliterating-flame-cannon at dawn duel, but suddenly, a crowd of guards (and a horse, for some reason) surrounded him as well. Oh well, though, the more the merrier, right? Overwhelmed, the dragon tried to take off. Reflexively, I unleashed a basic stun shout, dropped him like a sack of flame-spewing potatoes, and drove my blade through his face. Hooray, victor-- wait, what? I was still taking damage. I turned to see that the entire crowd was attempting to slice me into dragonborn sashimi. And also the horse, for some reason.
I can't stop using my imagination – Modern game design's become unrelentingly fixated on the idea that you can't leave a damn thing to the imagination. That's unfortunate, because imagination's a huge part of the reason I've become so invested in Skyrim's world. For every random bout of cave-spelunking or vampire slaying, I find myself dreaming up motivations and storylines for both my character and my enemies. Sometimes, I do it without even noticing. For instance – without spoiling too much – my character became a werewolf, and I found myself strongly identifying with his fatally feral alter ego. Whether it was the werewolf-hunting Silver Hand or a woman (who I initially rescued!) who professed to being part of an organization that dabbles in werewolf homicide, my character developed a no-mercy policy. “...vampires, werewolves – anything impure blah blah blah,” she concluded, listing off her faction's preferred targets. “Oh, well, isn't that just a shame,” I thought to myself. Then I tore out her throat.
I can't train a dragon – Which is lame, because I even watched this movie that showed me how!
I can't get Lydia to STOP LEAPING IN THE WAY OF MY FIRE AARGH DAMN IT – Skyrim's companion AI is bad. So, so, so bad. It's like some random troll is Lydia's secret lover, and she's diving in slow-motion to take a bullet for him. And. She. Won't. Stop. Ever. So yes, now I travel alone.
I can't stop despising the interface – “OK, so I just press Tab and then... wait, no, I meant Escape. Or maybe Q. And then I just click on... huh? Why'd the whole menu go away? And when did I pick up 47 mudcrab shells? And why am I carrying... Adolf Hitler himself?” Then it turns out that it's an episode of the Twilight Zone. Only it's not.
I can't kill children – It's Bethesda standard policy, after all. Oh, you already knew that? You tried? You monster.
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sladeofdark
January 24, 2012 at 3:29pm
1. I CANT help but notice you forgot the word "go" second to last, in the last sentence of your over-worded article
2. I cant stand your effusive writing style. You write just like i used to before i took academic writing classes.You probably are great to talk to though, and you probably are an INTJ like me.
3. I Cant find anything on your list that cannot/has not been answered via a good MOD on SkyrimNexus forums. Maybe a couple of things.
Baer
November 17, 2011 at 11:58am
I am running it at 5760 X 1200 GTX 580's in SLI surround with no real issues, thanks to some fixes by the folks at Wide Screen Gaming. However, while this is a great game there is no doubt that it is dumed down for consoles. The graphics are good but not great. On an X-Box they look very good and even better on a P C but they do not compare at all with a modern game written for DX-11. The UI is also a cheapie port. I think that Bethesda has a winner but they have become a console game company, fine if that is what they want but I will not ever preorder a P C game from them again. I will wait for the reviews and se if they can do better than a poorly thought out console port.
bling581
November 18, 2011 at 11:00am
So the little things are what make or break a game? I don't disagree about the UI, but overall it's an incredible game. I'm sorry but I don't see how the graphics are "consolized". They seemed pretty amazing to me except for some odd shadowing and water effects, but that could be happening because of my settings. Batman Arkham Asylum was an obvious console port due to the entire UI, gameplay and native XBox controller settings, but that didn't take away from the fun element or the gameplay and story.
bling581
November 17, 2011 at 11:29am
Some of the things mentioned I hadn't gotten to yet but I agree with. Others, while some being true, seemed a bit odd or ridiculous to even mention.
What wasn't on the list:
- Sorting inventory by weight or value.
- Where's my Cast button? I don't like having to "equip" spells.
- Seriously missing the quick cast buttons 1-9. Sucks having to swap spells during combat.
- I got two hands (not to mention 10 fingers) and I can only equip the 1 ring? (pun intended). Oblivion at least let you wear 2.
- Changing the names of potions. (at least I couldn't figure out how)
All negative things aside, the game is incredible and leaps and bounds better than Oblivion. There ARE a ton of new things that I do like! Some things that were removed from Oblivion though make you think "WTF?".
h e x e n
November 17, 2011 at 5:02am
Excellent list. I got some chuckles out of it.
That total badass thing is indeed prevalent. People in Whiterun hate me. I can just imagine the guards.
Guard 1: "You read the Skyrim Post this morning?"
Guard 2: "Yeah. Dragons huh? I say it's crazy."
Guard 1: "I don't know. It see... oh, son... of... a... bitch! It's this guy again."
Guard 2: "Think you could do me a favor and just kill me now?"
Guard 1: "Sure, right after I put a recruiting add out. Again."
Gezzer
November 17, 2011 at 12:15am
Afterplaying Fallout 3 the UI feels bass ackwards. But you do eventually get used to it.
Something touched on is a pet peev of mine, while kind of. Why if you give a NPC a limited amount of random dialog do you then have them spout it over and over and over again till you just want to hit them.. hard. It's not just this game, all of them. Like Age of Conan where you had to talk to a NPC to change zones and they always said the same thing. Once funny, cute, or what ever effect they were going with (maybe). Twice okay you have some really really clever writers, yes you do. Three hundred and seventy two.... Shut the F@CK up and just do what ever it is your supposed to do already! I actually tried to kill Fawkes in F3 more then once. I know he's indestructible that's what makes him a great companion, but man he starts to get on my nerves after awhile. Oh BTW he also kills you pretty quick if you do try. Don't they understand we'll be hearing that "clever" line so many times that some of them make you want to find the dialog files and delete them. Like that boy in Riverview who talks so tough, man I just want to smack him.
jonnyohio
November 16, 2011 at 11:13pm
I love the game but the biggest issues I have with it is that the menus just close when you make a selection, and every time you want to buy or sell the character has to talk first...it gets annoying when the menu force closes after you click misc to try selling some junk off...the other is the implementation of horses...they are not much faster than running (since when does a wolf run as fast as a horse?) and why on earth can't I wield my sword or cast spells on my horse and why does my dumbass horse rush right up to a dragon and get its ass kicked every time? I hate have to get off my horse to kill someone or something and the entire time I'm dismounting someone is taking cheap shots....why in the hell do I have to dismount to use the clairvoyant spell? How did his not come up in play testing? Lol. Oh, why did I pay 1000 for a horse and was told it was the one with the saddle and no horse was in the stable?....and why did that horse I stole fly off the ground and go skipping through the air right over the mountain top as soon as I got off it? Lol
RUSENSITIVESWEETNESS
November 16, 2011 at 5:05pm
I understand the game plays like ass on high-end machines because it's coded for the XBox and forces the CPU to render or calculate shadows?
Is this another shit Bethesda console port that won't play for shit for another two years, until hardware is powerful enough to overcome Bethesda's shit porting?
themohawkadmin
November 16, 2011 at 6:52pm
I've been playing it on Ultra setting on a Core 2 Quad and a GTX 465 without any performance problems....
t.y.wan
November 16, 2011 at 4:22pm
Some people like it, some people don't.
What is interesting about this game (for me):
em... watching commentary walkthroughs... I don't need to go through the pain of looting, clicking like mad...
What isn't interesting:
UI, seriously, are the developers trolling with us? even windows adopted drag and drop since like, winNT = ="
Stupid mechanics straight from other series, including inventory system (weight, UI in general, annoying to find out how to use "1" "2" "3" to map weapons, and it doesn't even work nicely with dual weapons setup...)
no mini-map
difficult to sneakily murdering annoying NPC with wallhacking, all powerful guards finding out
randomly popping out strong enemies (seriously, the dragons are easier to kill than trolls and giants = =" who would have thought?)
Horrible sluggish melee animations.
Lovely AIs, again. I know we all expect crappy AIs in game, but seriously... You have to make literally no improvement since fallout 3? Really?
Happy exploits... You can train with your companion and get the gold back in his / her inventory = =" Slice him / her up to level up weapons, magic, sneak... etc... and they won't even fight back...
Stealing, NPC do sometimes see you through walls and just walk up and bash your head in... even you eliminates all witnesses inside a house, the npc outside just have the latest CSIs on their side to punish you...
Walking, man... i don't even want to look at the map anymore...
Looting... Jesus christ, all those crappy pots, chests, cells, useless items to sell and loot? Can we remove them already...
Trading, why do we need to wait 48 hours? 72? for merchant to stock up on money again... o please...
Alpha Centauri
November 17, 2011 at 12:04pm
If I remember the plot correctly, you're a Dragonslayer. You aren't "Trollbrood the Powerful" or "Giantborn of Heavy-Smashing." I enjoy having tough enemies randomly churn up and surprise you when you deal little damage as it stuns your character or dishes a one-two hit kill. It does give the idea that the developers wanted to give you a challenge other than the boss-battle you come across (Which I might add, can be simple depending on the boss.. I mean named enemy.)
Animations still need improving, especially some of their finishing kills. On occasion you'll end up stabbing the air or grazing their body with your weapon, which doesn't make it awesome (Especially one kill-animation I saw where your character leaps about 3 inches and pierces the opponent.)
As for the AI, why hasn't Bethesda allowed NPCs to jump without scripting to get up ledges? Either they were ashamed of the jump-animation or they couldn't give common NPCs the feature because... it was too difficult or wouldn't work as planned?
Towards the Author: Bethesda shouldn't fall for the demand of multiplayer support, why not? You get a companion with terrible AI that usually has to teleport nearby to get to the same location as you, and in combat they usually fall-quickly and charge head-in (On the occasion they'll deal ranged damage.) They could keep all the same features but lead it more towards coop, with the second player not having the same exact powers of the main-character or first player. Such as Skyrim where shouts weren't Dragonborn specific, the second-player could learn them when the first player does, in a weaker-form.
reutnes
November 16, 2011 at 3:57pm
I'm having a great time! And you're totally right about that little girl. I ended up assassinating her mother and capturing her soul in a dark soul gem just to spite her.
As for the guards: The thing with the companions is indeed strange, but one thing I DO like is that it takes time for word of your bounty to reach the other cities. I can murder someone in Riften and get caught, but if I manage to escape the city I'm free to travel to any other city and go about my business.. for awhile, anyways.
I also dislike that merchants have finite amounts of money. I have stopped trying to offload all my ebony daggers that I keep picking up in dungeons because I would have to travel all around the world to sell everything from a single dungeon.
TommM
November 16, 2011 at 2:04pm
Unbelievable game, just flat-out unbelievable. I think an argument could be made for it hitting the "Best Computer Game Ever Made" mark. Yeah, the UI blows - but it's getting to the point where it's auto-pilot for me now, so the annoyance is pretty much gone.
It would be cool to train a dragon though... ;)
bingojubes
November 16, 2011 at 1:53pm
it's more of the smaller things that make me like games. as open world as games are, there is not enough of random stuff we can do. we can think about doing so and attempt, but after wathching the kettle video, i have to say that games need more randomness like that.
it could lead to more randomness in games, prolonging the experience. AI won't fight you? throw an apple at his mom to piss him off. i did not like the first crysis because 1- i could not run it too well back then and 2- out of ammo and short on guns, i could not take the local wildlife (crabs) from the ocean and throw then at the AI's faces as a distraction as i beat the hell out of them.
large glorious worlds need more random suff to do. spelunking in games is fun. Assassin's creed games i like, but after picking random fights and tackling random strangers (not guards), ezio should be able to go shopping for cookware or presents for his sister and mother. maybe take part in some of the brothel's services. he did put up money for rennovation, so i believe there is some pleasure due towards ezio.
Supall
November 16, 2011 at 1:46pm
I love it too! The voice acting for the children annoys me so much. They were annoying in Fallout 3 and because they use the same voice in Skryim, they're annoying here too.
Also, Bethesda could've clearly done something different with the UI for the PC. It's slow and ridiculous and annoying when it comes to dealing with your inventory. Why couldn't they at least do a drag and drop feature for the armor? That would've been nice...
Jeffredo
November 16, 2011 at 1:43pm
Good game, but I hate the UI with every fiber of my being. Damn console porting mess.
Maktaka
November 19, 2011 at 2:29am
You can't pin the UI on it being a console port. Small world, yes (friggin' tiny 360 game discs), but the UI is utter garbage regardless of your input device or display resolution. The whole thing was clearly designed and approved by a cabal of graphics artists, not an interface developer.
tekknyne
November 16, 2011 at 1:25pm
Great points, great article. Great game! I know I'm addicted. It's so much like Oblivion and Morrowind, but it's also very different. Saying it's like the previous 2 games is hardly a complaint btw.
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