The Seven Most Agonizingly Terrible Web Games

Posted 11/25/2008 at 11:30am | by Alex Castle

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QWOP

(Submitted by shack)

QWOP (pronounced, we assume, like a man with a hilarious lisp trying to say “crap”) is on the surface a game about running in a race. After all, you control a guy dressed up like a runner, in front of a background that looks vaguely like some sort of track-meet, and the start screen says something about the Olympics. However, there’s a deeper, more sinister story to QWOP, which we’ll help you uncover.

You see, in QWOP, you actually take on the roll of a disgraced ex-Olympian who shattered both of his legs in a drug-fueled motorcycle crash. Now, in some sort of bizarre run-before-you-can-walk physical rehabilitation program, deranged doctors have dressed your fallen sprinter up in a cruel mockery of his former glory and are forcing him to attempt to run down a track as hundreds of spectators laugh mercilessly. It’s your job to press the Q,W,O, and P keys completely at random, in order to make your runner pump his useless legs spasmodically and perform abortive backflips for the jeering crowd.

Trust us; the game’s much more fun if you play it this way.

May Cause Seizures

(Submitted by nicedropstitch)

One thing we really appreciate about all these godawful games is that they’re very descriptively named (except for QWOP, of course, unless you consider it an onomatopoeia for facepalming). May Cause Seizures is no exception. Seriously, if you’re epileptic you should probably avoid playing this game.

If you don’t have any longstanding neurological disorders, and are not averse to developing one, go ahead and click the link. You’ll be treated to some of the most balls-trippingly colorful gameplay this side of Geometry Wars. Although calling it “gameplay” might be pushing it a little bit, as all you do is look for the words “click me” hidden in the flashing Flash and click them.

Library Filing Game

(Submitted by thisisntjon)

How much do you love alphabetical order? How aroused does the Dewey Decimal system make you? If you answered “lots” and “very aroused” then oh boy, have we got a game for you. The Library Filing Game, which won (lost?) our vote for worst game of all, is one of those rare gems which manages to take something which is genuinely boring to begin with, such as organizing books on a shelf, and somehow elevates it into an experience of such profound monotony as to very nearly deprive life of all meaning.

And if you weren’t satisfied with a game that’s merely “very, very, boring,” the Library Filing Game kicks it up a notch to “incredibly obnoxious” by adding a loud buzzer that plays when you misfile something, as well as a set of one-liners spoken by a guy who sounds like probably the biggest tool on Earth.

So good job, library filing game, you’re truly the worst of the worst.

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