Glitch: 'Angry' Birds Pose an Existential Threat, Animal Behaviorists Say
Glitch: 'Angry' Birds Pose an Existential Threat, Animal Behaviorists Say
Posted 09/27/2011 at 11:40am
| by Jon Phillips
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Avian terrorists willing to sacrifice selves, offspring to destroy pig settlements
Mass bird-death incidents have plagued regions as diverse as Arkansas, Louisiana, Italy, and Sweden in the last five months. Scientists have yet to fully explain why thousands of dead blackbirds, starlings, and turtle doves have fallen from the sky, but now a more troubling bird-death phenomenon is occurring in Finland, and it isn’t just challenging experts for explanations—it’s causing real fear in the scientific community.
“To describe these birds as ‘angry’ would be a grave understatement,” says Hari Jokinen, senior director of the Helsinki Poultry and Livestock Commission. “These birds are intelligent and organized, and demonstrate a pathological obsession with murder-suicide. They’re committed to destroying our domestic swine population, and they’re willing to sacrifice their own lives—and the lives of their unborn chicks—in their quest for blood.”
In other regions of the world, mass bird die-offs have been attributed to everything from lightning strikes to fireworks. In the case of Finland’s birds, however, behavior eerily similar to suicide terrorism is to blame. Experts say the birds are propelling themselves into pig pens in an effort to kill the resident swine, which the birds mistakenly believe have stolen their eggs. The attacks are kamikaze missions, say experts, and dispatched birds never return to fight another day. Even worse, the birds typically require multiple offensive campaigns to eliminate all their porcine targets, and show no regard whatsoever for the vast number of suicide bombers they send to certain death.
Besides showing a brash disregard for their own lives, the birds seem uninterested in the safety and eventual return of their missing eggs. Kimi Hakola, a researcher at the University of Vaasa, points out that not a single targeted pig pen has shown any evidence of stockpiled bird eggs. Moreover, he says, the birds’ offensive strikes are designed to not just kill pigs, but also raze entire pig encampments—an action that would certainly destroy any purloined bird eggs, were they actually hidden somewhere in the pens.
“These are not extraction missions,” says Hakola. “The birds are resolute nihilists and pose an existential threat. They are interested only in killing themselves, their unborn children, and innocent pigs.”
Hinton Kent, a scholar with the World Wildlife Fund, is particularly alarmed by the birds’ interspecies command structure, which demonstrates a level of organization heretofore unseen in the animal kingdom.
“We have white birds, red birds, blue birds, yellow birds and black birds working together, bonded by a common bloodlust,” Kent says. “This level of avian cooperation is unprecedented, as is the complex choreography of dive-bombing, carpet-bombing, and even egg-bombing the birds use to achieve their perverted goals. Perhaps most concerning, the birds have just recruited a toucan. The introduction of foreign insurgents indicates an escalation, so this toucan must really give us pause.”
Experts agree the nihilist birds must be watched closely, but Irving Lahaie, an animal behaviorist at UC Davis, says they should not be our primary concern.
“The birds are dangerous, yes, but they simply don’t have the firepower to cause much harm beyond the local Finnish ecosystem,” Lahaie says. “But have you seen the pigs' encampments? Their makeshift protective structures show an alarming degree of engineering sophistication. These pigs are smart. And they wear funny hats. I’m much more worried about the pigs.”
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total123
January 08, 2012 at 3:53am
All these n00bs commenting that it is dumb or not funny just don't understand, they must not have ready a MPC pre 2005. Top Directory
caterin
January 05, 2012 at 12:32am
Companies these days are using ergonomic furniture to ensure that there are no injuries from work related hazards.Phlebotomy Training
Eagle70ss
September 27, 2011 at 9:37pm
I thought it was time for Gordon to get his goggles and wiffle-ball Bat out of the closet and beat the hell out of these birds.
Context:: Gordon said in one of his podcast rants that he was not scared of the attack birds in the Alfred Hitchcock movie and he would beat them with a whiffle bat.
JonPhillips
September 27, 2011 at 8:07pm
Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I believe the MPC team will post one final article of mine in the coming weeks -- a knock-down, drag-out buyer's guide on tablets. And I'm sure it will provoke controversy. Anyhow, thanks for all the awesome feedback and support over the years. It's VERY much appreciated. I was with Maximum PC/boot since 1996, and saw it ALL. Very good times, and I trust Katherine, Gordon, and the rest of the team will keep up the super-high standards that you know and appreciate. -Jon
draconis123
September 27, 2011 at 2:58pm
I must of read through the article like three times before I realized it was a joke. Really enjoyed it.
Hg Dragon
September 27, 2011 at 1:07pm
Yeah, some people missed the "humor" tag at the end of the article.
Jon's leaving for Wired.com so he gets one last hurrah. Lighten up folks.
bdwoolman
September 27, 2011 at 12:39pm
Oh look! An Angry Birds advertisement just to the right. QED.
athlon11
September 27, 2011 at 12:13pm
Glitch is back!!! Hell yes, I loved the Glitch articles at the end of the old MPC's, always had me rolling with laughter as did this one. All these n00bs commenting that it is dumb or not funny just don't understand, they must not have ready a MPC pre 2005.
bdwoolman
September 27, 2011 at 12:08pm
It's some kind of "Onion Style" advertorial for the Angry Birds game app I think (or a new incarnation of it). Which game I have never played and now which, given this creepy ad play, I never will.
Double plus unfunny waste of time.
Feh!
chipmunkofdoom2
September 27, 2011 at 11:44am
... *checks calendar*...
It's not April 1st, and this article certainly isn't real or funny... what purpose does this serve?
Corfy
September 27, 2011 at 12:01pm
I have to disagree with one point... I thought this article was very funny. But you are correct, it isn't real and it isn't April 1, but why should fun be limited to just one day a year?
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