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After a recent game review I got a concerned e-mail from my father. "How do you know so much about the weight and feel of shotguns, machine guns, and rocket launchers? Do you have some homicidal dark secret you're not telling me?" I assured him, all my knowledge of army slang and weapons-grade ballistics comes solely from a lifetime of playing as space marines, super soldiers, and secret agents in video games (and not from my weekend gig as a hitman-for-hire, shhh).
No, whiskey tango foxtrot doesn't mean asking this girl out for drinks and dancing.
While 90% of this so-called knowledge of weapons, tactics, and military jargon is in no way transferrable to the real world, it is cool to learn some of the lingo. At least now I can keep up with Tom Clancy novels and sound super-badass when I'm ordering around my squad in paintball. I also will be slightly less overwhelmed when choosing a weapon during the inevitable zombie apocalypse.
Games probably aren't the best place to learn about relationships, but the good ones do teach us a valuable lesson about love: it's all about communication. See, when you're trying to get some virtual action in just about any game with relationship options, gifts may get you in the door, but they only go so far. Try putting some gold or fancy bling into your wannabe-lover's inventory? Not impressed. Try showing off your awesome abilities on and off the battlefield? Nothing.
Choose wisely, Shepard. Choose wisely.
No, the only way to really woo your mate of choice is through the lost art of conversation. Show interest, ask them about their family, promise you'll help them get revenge against their slain goldfish. Only through patience, dialogue trees, and shamelessly agreeing and nodding along to everything your paramour says can you win love. Just like real life.
Even if you could buy love, you wouldn't want to—you'd get ripped off. Yes, games seem to follow the rule of Gordon Gecko: greed is good…for NPCs at least. Trying to save the world? Penniless protagonists need not apply, as you'll need every last cent to buy the gear and supplies needed, no world savior discount, of course.
And then there's the fairly ubiquitous car dealership mentality where everything you buy gets "drive it off the lot value." Standard video game economics puts the sell rate at 50% of the buy rate, already well beyond reasonable, but other games set this rate even lower. What does this teach us, exactly? Simple: Whether it's a sub-prime loan, a suspiciously good deal on eBay, or worst of all, game trade-in prices at Gamestop, everyone's trying to screw you. So stay smart, stay informed, and make sure to jack up your speech and barter skills whenever you get the chance.
There's one thing tying together just about every video game protagonist. Whether it's Batman, Commander Shepard, Nathan Drake, Gordon Freeman, Lara Croft, or your nameless dude or dudette from Fallout or Skyrim—they're all in awesome shape. Sure, Half-Life might not be about a mild-mannered middle aged man's quest to keep his 32 waistline, but with all the dashing, jumping, and crawling (not to mention lugging around a veritable arsenal of gear) but Mr. Freeman's greatest success isn't stopping an alien invasion, it's having the endurance to withstand the brutal run, swim, shoot triathlon of death.
Heroes manage to find the time to make it to the gym between world saving. So should you.
Oh, there are exceptions here and there (that Mario guy could stand to lay off the pizza a bit), but for the most part, you need to be in tip-top shape to save the world. Yes, my protagonist is a homicidal gun-toting maniac, but check out that six-pack—dude works out. So kids, go out and emulate the running, jumping, diving, and strafing aspect of your favorite heroes. And maybe leave the gun wielding part out of it.
Ever been in a groove in a game before suddenly dying horribly, at which point you hit the reload key and kicked yourself when you realized you hadn't saved in hours? Of course you have, everyone's done that at least once. There may not be saving in real life (don't we all wish), but you can apply the save frequently adage to real life just the same.
Good thing you saved, right? Right?!
There's literal saving when working in other non-game programs (wait, there are non-game programs now?). It seems like the poor schlubs in the non-gamer sector are far more prone to losing hours of work on their spreadsheets and word files. Me? I save every five minutes—you just never know when that Windows Office paperclip will pop up and just murder you and/or your document. Then there's more figurative saving. Write down your passwords, organize your files, both online and off, make photocopies, back up your data, do whatever it takes to ensure the safety and accessibility of your vital information. It's this type of fatalistic paranoia that makes gamers the ultimate boy scouts: we're always prepared.
Of course the point of video games is to have fun. Real life may be more serious business, but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying yourself. So lighten up, take a deep breath, and relax. As they say, if you're not having fun, you're doing it wrong.
Comments are closed on this article
newegg911
December 07, 2011 at 8:58pm
Honestly, gaming has taught me several things that actually apply to real life.
I knew a little, but I REALLY learned how to read playing RPG's when I was very young. Later on I learned how to touch type almost soley for my gaming.
I know games have improved my reaction time and eye/limb coordination considerably. I'm sure all things being equal this makes me a better car driver than someone who,for example, isn't a gamer. I know surgeons have proven this concept in practice compared to thier non gaming piers.
Games have also taught me perservernace and patience. I know from extreme controller slamming sessions that if I stick to anything within reason I will eventually learn it and gain some kind of mastery over it.
And last but not least, my social communication has improved from online play. I'm somewhat socially akward and it has allowed me to practice talking to other people because these game are usually goal oriented and I don't have to deal with reading excessive boy language. (If you're sceptical of this you should know I have mild autism.)
LatiosXT
December 01, 2011 at 9:19am
Ah, the whole "video games teaches a lot about weapons" gig. It does, at least as far as the average person is concerned. What sort of frightens me though, is that they may burn into people misconceptions, like Hollywood has. Because operating a gun in a video game has about <1% similarities to operating one in real life.
I'd trust someone who's unfamiliar with guns than someone who's been playing Call of Duty for the past four years straight.
TommM
November 30, 2011 at 11:54am
That's a good list. Especially for me the "save frequently."
Think one more to add to the list could be, "the guy with the biggest gun doesn't always win."
