Comcast Filtering-For-Profit: A Three-Phase Plan to 'Right-Size' Consumer Bandwidth
Posted 11/05/07 at 03:12:42 PM | by Will Smith
Maximum PC intercepted the following memorandum from a high-level Comcast executive to the company’s Board of Directors. We suggest you read it once, and then immediately delete all traces of this text from your PC. This is seriously twisted stuff.
MEMORANDUM
Date: October 6, 2007
To: Comcast Board of Directors
From: Alexis Luthoré, COO, Comcast Internet Services
Subject: Bandwidth Filtering; next plans of attack
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Board,
You're undoubtedly aware of the brouhaha growing over our new traffic filtering software. By limiting the traffic of heavy users, we’re improving performance for the majority of our customer base, while protecting our bottom line. The complainers are upset because our methods forge packets that appear to originate from the user; in effect we pretend we’re the user, then transparently disconnect them from the offending services. It also seems we’ve been inadvertently filtering other, more legitimate applications as well. To offset the extreme financial liability of impending litigation by the offended parties, I propose further cost-saving measures. It’s all wrapped up in a simple, easy-to-implement, three-phase plan that should solve all our problems. We've recruited Hollywood legend Christopher Walken to help us introduce our customers to the "Comcast Happy Bandwidth Initiative" on its November 15 launch.
Phase One: Cap Unlimited Bandwidth
We need to establish reasonable bandwidth limits, especially among our greediest customers. By capping our generous unlimited plans with a 150GB Monthly Usage Limit (or MUL), we can minimize the impact of the our most rapacious users—the so-called “outliers”—on our bottom line. Typical users should never notice the MUL, ensuring that the vast amounts of revenue we exact from them remains intact. (After all, unlimited bandwidth only feels “unlimited” once you begin to thoughtlessly consume more than your fair share.)
Phase Two: Good Citizen Incentives
Phase two hinges on the rollout of a new Comcast toolbar. In addition to tracking our users' web surfing habits and favorite pornographic sites, this toolbar also alerts customers before they download any file larger than 75KB. A helpful pop-up bearing the question “Are you sure you really meant to do that?” appears, and if the user does the right thing, and opts out of his bandwidth-intensive download, he’ll be greeted by a clever multimedia ad unit for a free webcam. The Happy Bandwidth Initiative team will be using the webcams to track user eye movements, allowing our research department to identify the content that users enjoy most, so that we can charge them a modest premium to access these high-traffic pages. The toolbar will be a mandatory download for all of our customers.
Phase Three: Pay More for Popular Protocols
Our current pricing structure is needlessly oversimplified. Even the dimmest mouth-breathers understand that “faster” connection speeds are “better,” and it’s currently much too easy for customers to determine exactly what level of service they need. Users can immediately tell whether they should drop to a less expensive plan, or if the features of the higher-priced plan give them real benefits. You'll all agree that this policy has a negative impact on our revenue picture and long-term profit forecasts.
To fix this problem, we propose shifting to a per-protocol pricing structure. By implementing a sliding-scale pricing structure based on the popularity of various protocols, we can ensure that every customer pays for his or her fair share. For example, telnet makes up just 0.0001% of overall network traffic, so users who subscribe to our telnet service will pay a relatively minor $0.02/month fee for access. More popular protocols, such as HTTP and BitTorrent, will cost more. We’ve run some numbers, and are projecting that the average monthly fees for users of mainstream protocols would range between $10/month and $3,275/month.
BitTorrent, in particular, represents a large potential revenue stream. Modeling out the current traffic of customers who use BitTorrent to "download the latest version of Linux," we are looking at a minimum monthly spend of $135. More enthusiastic users would pay between $25 and $3,275 monthly to download their regular faire of what we must assume are license-free movies and music--which are all really quite entertaining. No, they really are. There’s some really good copyright-free content out there. Seriously.
In closing, we of Comcast Internet Services believe the Comcast Happy Bandwidth Initiative is a modest proposal that exposes us to virtually no liability, while promising exponential returns in revenue. We happily await the Board’s comments on this plan.
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It's true folks
Submitted by mikeart03a on Fri, 2008-02-08 00:03
It's true folks. If you've heard of Warner planning on filtering internet traffic, guess who owns Comcast? Time Warner Corp.
- mike_art03a
IT Technician
Gov't of Canada
<font size=5>Aye!</font>
Submitted by Darth Ninja on Fri, 2008-01-25 04:39
Nice,
28352836 diggs,Got a new slogan for Comcast:
Concast: It's Craptastic!
Submitted by bluesdealer on Mon, 2007-11-12 06:20
it's satire. The purpose of this article was not merely to give you a good laugh, but to point out the currently serious threat posed by the telco companies as they gain more and more power. Imagine if the postal service were to filter what kind of messages you send through the mail... this is scary stuff.
Submitted by BlueOasis66 on Sat, 2007-11-10 09:37
Well, Google has embraced censorship in its own regard. Bowing down to the Chinese Govt to censor dissidence, and here in the states censoring and outright removing conservative blog/news sites from it's search results. Which conveniently coincides with it's financial partnership with Moveon.org . Don't get me wrong, for what it does right, google Pwns. However, for what it does that enforces a double standard, I hate them. They are no less a villain then comcast.
Great Joke
Submitted by Reloadron on Thu, 2007-11-08 15:40
Now the 76 year old lady who walked into the comcast office with a hammer to vent has my support. One very unhappy customer.
RON
Submitted by Crysis_Killer on Thu, 2007-11-08 12:23
COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI!
Submitted by Straightlogic on Thu, 2007-11-08 00:00
Oh really?
Submitted by meat67 on Wed, 2007-11-07 22:06
I think Will's problem is that he over-estimates people's knowledge of classic literature.
Look on your favorite search engine for "A Modest Proposal".
Submitted by MegletTX on Wed, 2007-11-07 20:41
I can almost hear the black helicopters coming for me now...
You people think it's funny but it isn't when people copy and paste your article into an email and start circulating it.
Submitted by dave23d on Wed, 2007-11-07 19:23
MS Vista is just like that Comcast paper by the way. And Microsoft got away with it.
Well I think so.
Love Linux and 3D Linux Games :)
Submitted by jimc52 on Wed, 2007-11-07 17:21
Maximum PC, you have cought them red handed this time. I read in my local paper about how they have nipped users and exterminated BitTorrent...
I have also heard about their retaliatory attacks against rude customers who say something to their customer service people that they don't like.This really irked me the most:
"Typical users should never notice the MUL, ensuring that the vast amounts of revenue we exact from them remains intact."
I am so offended by the remarks made that I am writing to comcast to DEMAND that they fire
Alexis Luthoré. Who is this guy? He is obviously a very rich, arrogant and bombastic swaggard.I agree, we need aggressive Federal Level legistlation to bring this greedy b***ard
under control. Right now with regular cable and internet service I amy paying a whopping $133 bucks a month.I think Alexis Luthore probably belongs to the "rich and exclusive" club that George Bush and his pals also do. How many politicians do you think COMCAST has bribed in Washington?????
Submitted by Marcus Vesper on Wed, 2007-11-07 16:28
Seriously, Christopher Walken as the public face of a "Comcast Happy Bandwidth Initiative"? That's hysterical! Nobody will suspect a thing if we get Walken to say it!
I was laughing so hard when I read that, bravo good sir.
Submitted by Pyrophorics on Wed, 2007-11-07 13:55
Yeah, this is a joke. Even if Comcast was stupid enough (which I agree they can be) to try something like this our government would step in.
There has been a lot of talk lately about how we ("the country that founded the internet") are being beat out by prices and speeds by many other countries.
So charging more for less would push us even further behind...
Submitted by CompuMoMo on Wed, 2007-11-07 13:11
And if you guys believe this story I have a bridge I would like to sell you.
Don't believe everything you read, especially when writen by sci-fi loving conspiracy nuts.
Submitted by crank on Wed, 2007-11-07 11:33
April Fools Day comes on April 1. You should have saved it. It was a fun bit of fiction, though. It was especially funny because everybody knows that it is characteristic of the company. Perhaps you could make such "reporting" a regular feature of the magazine.
Submitted by Shalbatana on Wed, 2007-11-07 11:54
This is kind of like the War of the Worlds Radio Broadcast.
I hope there's no legal ramification from it for the mag....it was run past legal, right?
There's no time like the future.
Submitted by anonuser on Wed, 2007-11-07 10:17
See above
Submitted by elburro on Wed, 2007-11-07 06:05
This is about as fake as you can get.
Submitted by dandapice on Tue, 2007-11-06 13:37
Wow, I guess I'll take the "hook" out of my mouth...LOL...Still, I wouldn't put this kind of stunt past them or any other corporation....
Submitted by Rdmorris on Tue, 2007-11-06 12:12
Submitted by qbp54321 on Tue, 2007-11-06 11:52
Hahaha, I definitely was believing that one. Nice.
Submitted by Flashinthepan on Tue, 2007-11-06 11:25
I'm particularly amused by the commentators that still don't realize the joke.
They really need to do some research on Jonathon Swift... Nice homage and topical satire. Unfortunately I will be getting my Comcast service hooked up tomorrow... damn my small rural area and it's lack of competition.
Submitted by fnordfnord on Tue, 2007-11-06 10:34
Hey it took me almost 1/2 way through the first paragraph to realize I'd been had. Shame on me, I should have know from the start that no mag like this gets leaks from corporate board members.
Submitted by facereplacer on Tue, 2007-11-06 10:26
would it be possible to organize a day where we all call to cancel service. I can either live without internet at my apartment for a month or just switch to AT&T or something for however long. I think if we shout with our money, we could make some noise.
drop the comcast day
Submitted by coverdws on Tue, 2007-11-06 08:30
Alixis Luthore... kinds sounds like Lex Luther... anyone following :P
Too funny, but...
Submitted by Talcum X on Tue, 2007-11-06 06:09
Just reading this "memo", it shows what will continue to be produced if the writers strike continues. Sorry guys, but it did read like a bad script. But it was entertaining, and you did get the point across.
**********
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Submitted by tiko on Tue, 2007-11-06 00:04
I am Not surprised that this happens, but that it didn't happened before, like the gas prices too. I always ask to myself if the previous presidents or SEOs or managers or the owners were stupid not doing so or they were... HUMANS in all its' meanings.
How big their stomachs will get, our pockets have exact same limits. I'll switch!!!!
Entertaining Writing
Submitted by Wolf on Mon, 2007-11-05 23:53
But I REALLY liked the "Devil" graphic!
Comcast SUCKS.
"Any sufficiently advanced technology
is indistinguishable from magic."
--- Arthur C. Clarke
Submitted by tkid124 on Mon, 2007-11-05 22:18
Who is Alexis Luthoré?
funny thing when you Google the name you get 2 results, one of them this article. what is funnier or scarier depending on how you look at is is the spelling similarity to Lex Luthor, the super villain, very creative Will, as always well written.
Wow. did not catch the
Submitted by blackzarg on Mon, 2007-11-05 22:00
Wow. did not catch the satire. Tell us when you're joking!
Submitted by marudd2002 on Mon, 2007-11-05 21:49
First of all, where did someone (maybe yourself) think this up? Second of all, why would you not label this as a joke? There are a lot of people on the net, including MaxPC lovers, that could easily believe that Alexis Luthoré is a real person and not catch the resemblance to Lex Luthor from Superman fame. Comcast does deserve to go down in a burning pile of dog $h!t for their practices against legitimate (see: "legal") torrent users who don't want to rely upon public servers with slow speeds for the next unbuntu release. Seriously though.....I find it irresponsible for someone in your position to not note this article as "Not Really from Comcast" or "Just Kidding".
Submitted by soggybomb on Mon, 2007-11-05 18:20
Its a funny joke but total BS. Lucky me, i don't use comcast.
Go over well this will not.
Submitted by dedgar on Mon, 2007-11-05 16:58
Go over well this will not. Lead balloon can you say?
//said in my best yoda voice//
But still a good joke. Had some of the readers believing.
Submitted by Superman on Mon, 2007-11-05 16:21
You won't get away with this Lex!
I'll see to that.
Yeah, this has got to be
Submitted by Aeshir on Mon, 2007-11-05 14:56
Yeah, this has got to be fake. You could have saved this for April Fool's Day, but I guess it was just too good. xD
Submitted by zine team279 on Tue, 2007-11-06 11:50
'Twas a brilliant joke.
Should still be taken seriously, though. As this could happen, just not on such a large scale.
Submitted by zine team279 on Mon, 2007-11-05 14:55
Make sure to Digg this.
Submitted by dandapice on Mon, 2007-11-05 14:50
If this is true, this is yet another incident of Corporate Greed! I 2nd a lawsuit! Hit 'em now before it's too late and we all "pay more for less"...
Good joke .... this is a joke right?
Submitted by chaos.13037 on Mon, 2007-11-05 14:49
If this was a joke though, I'm sure its not far from the truth.
Submitted by dethmunky on Mon, 2007-11-05 14:53
You first tipped your hat at "...vast amounts of revenue...". You went overboard with "Even the dimmest mouth-breathers..." And finished it off nicely with " ...users would pay between $25 and $3,275 monthly...". Good one.
Submitted by Aeshir on Mon, 2007-11-05 14:39
All in favor of suing Comcast when they have their pants down, say aye.
Submitted by Aeshir on Mon, 2007-11-05 14:36
How did you get your hands on this?
Submitted by zine team279 on Mon, 2007-11-05 14:35
Thats it.
We need legistlation. NOW. I think that even you think that we need legislation, Will.
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