Comcast Filtering-For-Profit: A Three-Phase Plan to 'Right-Size' Consumer Bandwidth
Comcast Filtering-For-Profit: A Three-Phase Plan to 'Right-Size' Consumer Bandwidth
Posted 12/25/2008 at 8:18am
| by Will Smith
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Maximum PC intercepted the following memorandum from a high-level Comcast executive to the company’s Board of Directors. We suggest you read it once, and then immediately delete all traces of this text from your PC. This is seriously twisted stuff.
MEMORANDUM
Date: October 6, 2007
To: Comcast Board of Directors
From: Alexis Luthoré, COO, Comcast Internet Services
Subject: Bandwidth Filtering; next plans of attack
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Board,
You're undoubtedly aware of the brouhaha growing over our new traffic filtering software. By limiting the traffic of heavy users, we’re improving performance for the majority of our customer base, while protecting our bottom line. The complainers are upset because our methods forge packets that appear to originate from the user; in effect we pretend we’re the user, then transparently disconnect them from the offending services. It also seems we’ve been inadvertently filtering other, more legitimate applications as well. To offset the extreme financial liability of impending litigation by the offended parties, I propose further cost-saving measures. It’s all wrapped up in a simple, easy-to-implement, three-phase plan that should solve all our problems. We've recruited Hollywood legend Christopher Walken to help us introduce our customers to the "Comcast Happy Bandwidth Initiative" on its November 15 launch.
Phase One: Cap Unlimited Bandwidth
We need to establish reasonable bandwidth limits, especially among our greediest customers. By capping our generous unlimited plans with a 150GB Monthly Usage Limit (or MUL), we can minimize the impact of the our most rapacious users—the so-called “outliers”—on our bottom line. Typical users should never notice the MUL, ensuring that the vast amounts of revenue we exact from them remains intact. (After all, unlimited bandwidth only feels “unlimited” once you begin to thoughtlessly consume more than your fair share.)
Phase Two: Good Citizen Incentives
Phase two hinges on the rollout of a new Comcast toolbar. In addition to tracking our users' web surfing habits and favorite pornographic sites, this toolbar also alerts customers before they download any file larger than 75KB. A helpful pop-up bearing the question “Are you sure you really meant to do that?” appears, and if the user does the right thing, and opts out of his bandwidth-intensive download, he’ll be greeted by a clever multimedia ad unit for a free webcam. The Happy Bandwidth Initiative team will be using the webcams to track user eye movements, allowing our research department to identify the content that users enjoy most, so that we can charge them a modest premium to access these high-traffic pages. The toolbar will be a mandatory download for all of our customers.
Phase Three: Pay More for Popular Protocols
Our current pricing structure is needlessly oversimplified. Even the dimmest mouth-breathers understand that “faster” connection speeds are “better,” and it’s currently much too easy for customers to determine exactly what level of service they need. Users can immediately tell whether they should drop to a less expensive plan, or if the features of the higher-priced plan give them real benefits. You'll all agree that this policy has a negative impact on our revenue picture and long-term profit forecasts.
To fix this problem, we propose shifting to a per-protocol pricing structure. By implementing a sliding-scale pricing structure based on the popularity of various protocols, we can ensure that every customer pays for his or her fair share. For example, telnet makes up just 0.0001% of overall network traffic, so users who subscribe to our telnet service will pay a relatively minor $0.02/month fee for access. More popular protocols, such as HTTP and BitTorrent, will cost more. We’ve run some numbers, and are projecting that the average monthly fees for users of mainstream protocols would range between $10/month and $3,275/month.
BitTorrent, in particular, represents a large potential revenue stream. Modeling out the current traffic of customers who use BitTorrent to "download the latest version of Linux," we are looking at a minimum monthly spend of $135. More enthusiastic users would pay between $25 and $3,275 monthly to download their regular faire of what we must assume are license-free movies and music--which are all really quite entertaining. No, they really are. There’s some really good copyright-free content out there. Seriously.
In closing, we of Comcast Internet Services believe the Comcast Happy Bandwidth Initiative is a modest proposal that exposes us to virtually no liability, while promising exponential returns in revenue. We happily await the Board’s comments on this plan.
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January 19, 2012 at 2:53am
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ghot
January 07, 2009 at 12:46am
.....that so many people actually believe that this is not EXACTLY what goes on at board meetings. This is EXACTLY how large companies think and act....I've, in the past, laughed at those posters who actually believe that letters like this are a hoax. The sad part is....so very many people are convinced that things like this don't really happen.
Obviously the ending paragrahs of this so called intercepted memo, are either added on to make the entire memo seem false, or the whole memo is false. However, this does not change the fact that this IS how large companies do business....this is exactly what results when one applies higher math to bottomline modeling.
Its never a question of which company does or doesn't do this...it just a question of when their bottomline forces them to. Welcome to the business world kiddies :)
Oh, and by the way, if anyone actually believes our government is any better than this "leaked memo" purpotedly makes Comcast look....well then you may want to try a few less drugs ^^
Its nice to see Max PC has found a way to tell the truth....in an easily swallowable format.....keep up the good work :)
DRAGONWEEZEL
January 05, 2009 at 2:41pm
MPC has posted it not once, but TWICE.
Let me clue you in "Alexis Luthoré" what does that sound like? Yup a tribute to the man in blue's evil scheming nemisis LEX Luthor. If you google it the only links are dig and MPC!
THERE ARE ONLY 11 TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD. Those that think binary jokes are funny, those that don't, and those that don't know binary
Curtai
January 02, 2009 at 11:23pm
I'm waiting for someone to actually get a memo like this from a company, because yeah "dimmest mouth breather" I liked that... and if you hacked enough corporate email i bet you could find something like that...
Amen to the Verizon FIOS I can't wait til it gets here (IOWA)
mpcrsc562
December 26, 2008 at 12:45pm
max pc should put a link to the old comcast "leaked memos" featuring alexis luthore and his diabolical scheme to part people from their money. there must be an awful lot of new readers or a lot of long time readers who had a little too much laced egg nog to remember the former "leaked memos."
Abstrakt
December 25, 2008 at 9:52pm
I remember reading the short story 'A Modest Proposal'. I got a pretty good kick out of it. You forgot to add the part where if you go over your 150gb/month cap, then Comcast is entitled to providing your first born child to feed to its workers as a 'cost saving measure' :P
Darth Ninja
December 25, 2008 at 9:13pm
I'm guessing your bumping this old article because comcast really is doing the 150 gig cap?
...or its 'the best of max pc' for the holidays :P
____________________
DarthNinja
www.DarthNinja.com
jediken21
December 25, 2008 at 3:29pm
I read the part about the webcam and I'm like "you've seriously got to be shitting me". I was conspiracy raging...lol...
pratt
December 25, 2008 at 1:19pm
If anyone thinks this is the real deal, then they need to go back to sentence one of paragraph one and think to themselves, "Why would anyone in the 21st Century use the word: Brouhaha in a business letter?"
I've certainly never heard anyone use that word in conversation or in text. In fact, I don't even know how I know the word and what it means. But what I do know, is you guys at MaxPC wrote up one hell of a funny joke =)
I tip my hat to you sirs!!!
DBsantos77
December 25, 2008 at 12:34pm
Good luck getting me to download that bloatware Toolbar Crapcast!
Very good article.
I Jedi
December 25, 2008 at 10:05am
If we know anything about Americans, it's that they won't stand for this bullshit forever.
mikeart03a
February 07, 2008 at 11:03pm
It's true folks. If you've heard of Warner planning on filtering internet traffic, guess who owns Comcast? Time Warner Corp.
- mike_art03a
IT Technician
Gov't of Canada
Darth Ninja
January 25, 2008 at 3:39am
Nice,
28352836 diggs,Got a new slogan for Comcast:
Concast: It's Craptastic!
bluesdealer
November 12, 2007 at 5:20am
it's satire. The purpose of this article was not merely to give you a good laugh, but to point out the currently serious threat posed by the telco companies as they gain more and more power. Imagine if the postal service were to filter what kind of messages you send through the mail... this is scary stuff.
BlueOasis66
November 10, 2007 at 8:37am
Well, Google has embraced censorship in its own regard. Bowing down to the Chinese Govt to censor dissidence, and here in the states censoring and outright removing conservative blog/news sites from it's search results. Which conveniently coincides with it's financial partnership with Moveon.org . Don't get me wrong, for what it does right, google Pwns. However, for what it does that enforces a double standard, I hate them. They are no less a villain then comcast.
Reloadron
November 08, 2007 at 2:40pm
Now the 76 year old lady who walked into the comcast office with a hammer to vent has my support. One very unhappy customer.
RON
Crysis_Killer
November 08, 2007 at 11:23am
COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI! COMCAST=NAZI!
meat67
November 07, 2007 at 9:06pm
I think Will's problem is that he over-estimates people's knowledge of classic literature.
Look on your favorite search engine for "A Modest Proposal".
MegletTX
November 07, 2007 at 7:41pm
I can almost hear the black helicopters coming for me now...
You people think it's funny but it isn't when people copy and paste your article into an email and start circulating it.
dave23d
November 07, 2007 at 6:23pm
MS Vista is just like that Comcast paper by the way. And Microsoft got away with it.
Well I think so.
Love Linux and 3D Linux Games :)
jimc52
November 07, 2007 at 4:21pm
Maximum PC, you have cought them red handed this time. I read in my local paper about how they have nipped users and exterminated BitTorrent...
I have also heard about their retaliatory attacks against rude customers who say something to their customer service people that they don't like.This really irked me the most:
"Typical users should never notice the MUL, ensuring that the vast amounts of revenue we exact from them remains intact."
I am so offended by the remarks made that I am writing to comcast to DEMAND that they fire
Alexis Luthoré. Who is this guy? He is obviously a very rich, arrogant and bombastic swaggard.I agree, we need aggressive Federal Level legistlation to bring this greedy b***ard
under control. Right now with regular cable and internet service I amy paying a whopping $133 bucks a month.I think Alexis Luthore probably belongs to the "rich and exclusive" club that George Bush and his pals also do. How many politicians do you think COMCAST has bribed in Washington?????
Marcus Vesper
November 07, 2007 at 3:28pm
Seriously, Christopher Walken as the public face of a "Comcast Happy Bandwidth Initiative"? That's hysterical! Nobody will suspect a thing if we get Walken to say it!
I was laughing so hard when I read that, bravo good sir.
Pyrophorics
November 07, 2007 at 12:55pm
Yeah, this is a joke. Even if Comcast was stupid enough (which I agree they can be) to try something like this our government would step in.
There has been a lot of talk lately about how we ("the country that founded the internet") are being beat out by prices and speeds by many other countries.
So charging more for less would push us even further behind...
CompuMoMo
November 07, 2007 at 12:11pm
And if you guys believe this story I have a bridge I would like to sell you.
Don't believe everything you read, especially when writen by sci-fi loving conspiracy nuts.
crank
November 07, 2007 at 10:33am
April Fools Day comes on April 1. You should have saved it. It was a fun bit of fiction, though. It was especially funny because everybody knows that it is characteristic of the company. Perhaps you could make such "reporting" a regular feature of the magazine.
Shalbatana
November 07, 2007 at 10:54am
This is kind of like the War of the Worlds Radio Broadcast.
I hope there's no legal ramification from it for the mag....it was run past legal, right?
There's no time like the future.
dandapice
November 06, 2007 at 12:37pm
Wow, I guess I'll take the "hook" out of my mouth...LOL...Still, I wouldn't put this kind of stunt past them or any other corporation....
Flashinthepan
November 06, 2007 at 10:25am
I'm particularly amused by the commentators that still don't realize the joke.
They really need to do some research on Jonathon Swift... Nice homage and topical satire. Unfortunately I will be getting my Comcast service hooked up tomorrow... damn my small rural area and it's lack of competition.
fnordfnord
November 06, 2007 at 9:34am
Hey it took me almost 1/2 way through the first paragraph to realize I'd been had. Shame on me, I should have know from the start that no mag like this gets leaks from corporate board members.
facereplacer
November 06, 2007 at 9:26am
would it be possible to organize a day where we all call to cancel service. I can either live without internet at my apartment for a month or just switch to AT&T or something for however long. I think if we shout with our money, we could make some noise.
drop the comcast day
coverdws
November 06, 2007 at 7:30am
Alixis Luthore... kinds sounds like Lex Luther... anyone following :P
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