Are you planning to do some travelling or Holiday gift shopping this weekend? There's only one way you can do both at the same time, and that's with SkyMall. It's the catalog for products that didn't quite make it into Sharper Image or BrookStone, and are too expensive to sell on infomercials. We picked up the latest issue on a recent flight, and were astounded to find terrible products on every other page. Here, we've picked out the fifty worst items, including horrendously ill-conceived vehicle accessories, impractical grooming devices, and the most terribly advertised gadgets for sale.
But let's start with the gem of a cover, which apparently breaks the rules of the space-time continuum.
Let's overlook the fact that this Soutwest plane cabin includes holiday decorations, Slanket-wearing passengers, and SANTA CLAUS. Look at the lady wearing the red Slanket in the front. She's reading a copy of SkyMall. But look closely, and you'll see that the issue she's reading is the very issue she's on the cover of! Here's a zoomed-in look at the cover-within-a-cover:
Do you have little trouble keeping track of the hour and even the date, but the day always eludes you? If so, then you're a moron.
If you're too cheap to get a membership to the local pool, but have $500 to spend on a personal oven. Plus, it doubles as a Captain Pike Star Trek costume.
Sleep the restful sleep of a man who has given up on his dignity.
For the house that's too small for both a heater and a picture frame.
Paper may beat rock, but not FIRE ROCK.
I'm not sure I understand how a "love of squirrels" translates into inventing a device that allows you to electrocute squirrels on your lawn via remote control, but that doesn't mean I don't actually sort of want one of these.
What better way could there be to fend off a ferocious dog than to piss it off with a loud noise?
Because you need a $100 machine to remind you to buy hemorrhoid cream.
Trade your ugly sock tan lines for hideous oompla-loompa feet.
Graduate from your calculator watch to this equally-nerdy cell phone watch.
More products should be named after the words you shout when somebody tries to use them on you.
Moon Shoes for adults!
Send your cat into the past with the
Self Cleaning Litterbox.
This clock lets you record a single message for it to repeat at the top of every hour. The message we would record: "THE HOUR HAS BEGUN."
"I like fake butts, and I cannot lie."
For when you want to look as conspicuous as possible while recording postage-stamp sized video.
The thinking man's head massager.
What would you possibly need such strong lungs for...?
...to charge up your wind-powered battery pack, of course!
An elegant bug killer, for a more civilized age.
Now vampire-loving fanatics can live out their fantasies of showering in blood.
Want all the fun and excitement of being hooked up to an oxygen tank, but aren't quite decrepit enough to have one prescribed? Well have I got the gadget for you!
All the fun of laying face-down in a gutter, in bed!
Also makes delicious face waffles!
Think of it as a vanity camera for car burglars. To steal.
You Don't Have To Hide This Litter Box! You do, however, have to train your cat to crap in a tiny dark cave. Also, good luck cleaning it.
You must have a lot of faith in technology to let a machine rub your eyes for you.
Massively parallel brushing power!
Finally an underwater camera that fits in the pocket of my swimming shirt.
Almost $2000, and the cell phone is actually not included!
Can't afford the dog whisperer? Just torture your dog into submission.
We wouldn't trust something that wraps around our necks...and then gets bigger.
Happy birthday, Kimmy, we got you some new ski goggles. Haha, just kidding, it’s a semi-automated eye-jabbing machine.
If your problem in pool is that you just can’t manage to aim the cue at the cueball without tactical hardware assistance, you should probably just give up now.
Turbulance will kill this baby.
For $150, you could buy a real tv and a holiday-themed video tape.
For when you desperately need a Hot Pocket on the road.
For when you want to hang yourself and leave the nerdiest-looking corpse behind.
Because nothing is stealthier than wearing a Bluetooth headset around all the time. We know you’re not that popular, grandpa.
Now you too can be one of the Men Who Stare at Balls.
STOP. Blowing. Money.
But can it tell you what day it is ?
This is the face of a man who just BLU himself.
We don't get why you need to mount photos in a special tray before using this glorified scanner.
Will also protect you from devastating kidney punches.
Note the fine print: Check with the cops before spying. Unless you're spying on the cops.
Lasers: The cause of and cure for all of our hair loss problems.